Fete

2003-05-15T16:23:00.000-07:00

Ha!
Fete has placed one step above The Leaky Cauldron on Bloghop today. Of course, TLK has over a thousand more votes than I do. *grin*

2003-05-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

New banners by Mannequinskin for me:

2003-05-13T18:26:00.000-07:00

6:00pm

Mood: wha...?
Song: Cold Cold Night - The White Stripes

ALRIGHT, SO THINGS ARE ALRIGHT...
Life is so strange. Especially when you're homeless, jobless and nineteen. Over the past couple of months I felt like my family had lost everything dear to us (and even those things not so dear). We lost our money, our home, the respect of our church family, the betrayal of my sisters family, the hardships of British Columbia's fuckered up welfare system and finally my own bed. I almost lost my beloved Ginny until things started turning around a little.

It seems that life is not so bad when you get to the darkest corner and look out on everybody else. So, I share a room with my mother now. So, I have only a shower instead of a bath. So, I can only eat microwaveable foods. So, my sister betrayed me. What is the bright side through all of this? My mother and I have become friends. I'm guessing the shared space and terrible circumstances have forced us to give up fighting over every little thing that passes by. We spend almost 95% of our time together now and I like it. I'm even beginning to trust her again. We talk late into the night, cry together, eat together and look for work together. I guess it was bound to happen when we are all each other has right now. Where we are staying we have a living room, a bedroom, a bathroom and a patio all to ourselves on the bottom level of a families home. It's a little cool in the evenings but I always liked bundling up to sleep. There is no cable reception so we have a maximum of three clear channels to watch ... but I don't watch the tele anyway. We have a microwave but no stove so I haven't had healthy food in a few weeks... but I'm not complaining too much.

Now what has happened is that the family we are staying with has decided to let us stay with them until the Housing Registry can give us a subsodized home to rent from. British Columbia is a wealthy province so that means lovely three story homes. Because we are homeless (without a home of our own) we are on the top of the waiting list. That means that it will be a matter of weeks before we have a home to live from. And on top of that we made a discovery about me that will change my life forever. I'm bipolar. I don't know why anybody was shocked. Read my journal. I'm just glad I know what's going on now.

Now we have money for food and even to go and see Reloaded come this Sunday afternoon. It's almost better than it used to be in a strange way. And online I've been lj'ing it up. I have a White Stripes themed layout, a dozen personalised icons and even a few new friends. As of late I've been pretty busy with fanlistings. I just find them really fun. Dorky. But fun. (As you can see to your right). Life is getting better. *sigh*

2003-05-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

ISABELLE by Siegfried Kramer

2:50pm

BLITZ
Things have been alright. I'm alive.
I am sad and feeling very alone, but alive and at least a little rested. I can honestly say it's all better than living in my car. My mother and I share space. We don't have a cooker but we do have a microwave and a fridge. I wake up every morning with the sunlight blinding me through bright white lace cutains. Then I get up, pour milk into a bowl of cherrios and sit down in the much too large rocking chair in my flannel jamers and try to wake up. Sometimes I drink peach tea and eat dry toast instead. Sometimes mam makes french toast. Today is was a fruit that tasted to me like a pear and an apple. It made the most lucious wet cracking sound when I bit into it.

I had a bad sleep. I just lay there for hours crying on my back, my mind drifting from my last fight with mam (we have many in a day) and my favorite slash moments. I like to think about Rube's Garish and the moment that Snape reads Harry's letter "I want you." And from Ivy's Belong when Draco thinks about Harry's thigh's as "those thighs". And in FearlessDiva's Tissue Of Silver when Draco calls Harry a cock tease. And in Elizabeth's Sin Laced Sweet Infatuation when Draco pulls out his handcuffs. It's late at night (or early morning) that I realise how much slash means to me. I really see it as an art form.

PHOTOGRAPHY
I think I'm going to go back to school. I'm going to go to University when summer school starts. I'm thinking heavily about Photography. I know it seems like it would be obvious that I take writing classes but writing would turn into a job for me if I was forced to write about specific subjects. I can go to any school I want for free because I have native status my father was Cree and his great grandfather was the chief of Thunderchild (i.e. the band my family belongs to). they will pay for me if I ask. It would also be so much easier for me to help pay my bills. They give you money to live with and the money for school so that could be very good for me. I'm thinking very heavily about it. Encourage me.

NOTES
I am jsut really, really greatful for the friends I have. I was completely shocked and delighted to open up my post box and find a letter from FearlesDiva just asking me how I was doing in life. I just really felt loved. She is so wonderful. She makes me wish I was bisexual. *smile* And I cannot love Lunarennui enough for simply being there over he past few weeks. It just means the entire world to me. And though I do not know Ivy her writing means a lot to me. I always forget about things around me when I'm reading her work. She is special to me. Speaking of Ivy. I feel terrible! I asked Lunarennui to do the HP Recs poll this month and inform the nominated authors and Ivy was upset that we had told her ahead of time. She actually told me that when she won last November's poll with Innocence and I completely forgot. I feel terrible.

2003-05-02T13:52:00.001-07:00

LEGS by Samuel Hieronym Grimm

2003-05-02T13:47:00.000-07:00

MAN SLEEPING by Howard Roffman

2003-04-29T16:32:00.000-07:00

[sometime this afternoon]

Mood: hot
Song: Black Math - The White Stripes

BEND IT
I saw Bend It Like Beckham over the weekend and fell in love. I played soccer in highschool with a passion and this was wonderful. All hail Jonothan Rhyse Meyers! Go see it.

I'M GOING TO WICHITA
Things are getting heavy over here. Still no jobs. Still no home as of tomorrow afternoon. Not enough money. We are trying are hardest. There is a couple of possiblities. There is a woman from the church who may offer us her large basement for a couple of weeks. It is new and clean and ... well ... beautiful but her son is convincing her out of it as I speak and so she will probably turn us away by the time we wake tomorrow morning. The other unlikely possibility is a one bedroom apartment in Mission (a very small, wealthy town in the middle of nowhere). Mother knows a Doctor who owned it up until last month and will put in a good word for us if it isn't already rented out. Very unlikely, but I am praying about it. Mother and I are fighting and I am playing very loud White Stripes for comfort.

Oh, woe is a day in the life of a teenage girl!

I PLEDGE ALLEGIENCE TO LUNARENNUI

2003-04-26T16:54:00.000-07:00

4:30pm

Mood: looking up
Song: Hard To Explain - The Strokes

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY ELIZABETH!
I wish to you, Elizabeth, the happiest seventeenth birthday a girl turning seventeen could have. I love you!

BETTER DAYS
I have seen better days but I feel good right now. The house sale ended up not really happening. We let a few people buy and then it struck us that we could auction the things we cannot use and make better money. We made about $50.00 on strange odds and ends and then closed the sale down. On monday we are sending everything to the local auction house. We have a blurry sort of plan now. We are moving to Manitoba. The rent is cheap and all of mam's family is out there. It is where she grew up. Things might work out.

2003-04-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

[somtime this afternoon]

Mood: breezy
Song: Heavy Metal Drummer - Wilco
Link: The White Stripes on Connan

SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH THE DRUMMER
Just a quick drop in. I'm having one of those wonderfully spring days. Mam and I were out in the shed this morning trying to find things to sell (we are pack rats). I found an old metal lunch box that I'm going to fix up for someone. My lips are sealed as to whome that "someone" may be. *grin*

I feel good. I went for a bike ride with my earphones listening to The Strokes and it was heaven. I felt so alive. I haven't felt anything in so long...and then Elizabeth replied and I get to sit down in a while and reply to two long lovely letters. I want to go outside more. We drove in the car and it was window opening weather! Can you believe that?! I'm going to go home and open all of my windows and blast Every You Every Me and spin and whirl and pick a dandelion.

2003-04-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

7:13pm

Mood: tired
Song: Generator - Elastica

THE TEARS WE CRY
I walked in the rain to get here. Things are sad at home. Mother is crying again for no reason that anyone can think of, I am getting yelled at an awful lot for not feeling anything (as I'm quite numb from this whole world-weary experience now), I'm actually sick of my pasta so I'm down to cereal and stone wheat crackers and cheddar. We have milk again but because cereal is our main meal in the day light hours it is quickly diminishing. I have not cried yet. I'm sure I will when the time comes. Today mother told me in casual conversation that when we have our house sale she is simply going to put a sign on the front door for all visitors to see. If anyone happens to want our little siamese orphan than away Ginny goes to a stranger.

GINNERS
I love this cat. I have two cats. One is a fluffy grey thing with a heart of vineger when it comes to anyone but me. That cat is called Bean after Frances Bean Cobain and she is five years old. She sleeps in the small of my back at night and wakes me up at four o'clock on the dot every morning by tearing apart any loose scrap of paper she can get a paw on. I love her more than anything in this world. Then there is sweet Ginny. Our little orphan. Just over a year ago she showed up on our porch. It was cold and raining and a the happy family was at the table tucking into Thanksgiving Dinner. She just hopped up next to the window, trembling and bright eyed and stole my heart. I stuck a little piece of turkey out through the window and she nearly nicked a finger which is strange when I think back on it because she hates all people food with the exception of green grapes. She hates Bean with an undying passion, hates the rain, is completely obsessed with finding me if I'm not in plain view and sounds like a doorbell when she's in a particularily good mood. I love her tiny white paws, pointy black face and bright aqua eyes. Someone had abandoned her and she had found us. It got cold outside and she somehow found her way into our venting system and on snowy mornings I would find her siting calmly at the foot of my bed when I woke. She just moved in and I wouldn't let mam kick her out. She was only a baby then and now I cannot stand the thought of parting with her. I love her dearly first off, and secondly; it doesn't seem fair to abandon her in a such a heartless way. There is no warning, nothing left of us. And she is so smart. She loves us both so much. She thinks my mother is hers mother and that I a mher sister. It is going to be bad when we finally find a home for her. I am prayer with everything I have for God to let us keep her. She has already lost a family in her short life. How can we do this to her?! Oh...

To Elizabeth:
Please reply! Send the second half of your letter already. It isn't fair not to tell me to reply until you have sent the second half when I need to talk to you and you still haven't sent the second half. I love you.

+ Forbidden Fruit cake

2003-04-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

Nothing much is going on. My day was fine. I went to the US.
I am happy. Period. Rejoice for me. Love me. Thanks!

+Ashtray Girl

2003-04-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

7:15pm

Mood: sad
Song: Sleeping With Ghosts - Placebo
Link: Happily Bleeding

You up there on the balcony, I want to see you clapping. If you´re not clapping it means you´re gay!
~Brian Molko

A LITTLE CHANGE
Alright. To get me going again here I have changed the template. But for anyone who cares *looking to Elizabeth* this is only temporary. I needed soemthing to get me interested in writing here again (as I recently aquired an lj from the always lovely Penelope Zach). Life was bad (is bad) so I was trying not to remind myself by writing about it in stone here at Fete. I needed something plain and basic to inspire me. The original template will be back when things are getting a little better.

"PUNK POP FOR POSTPONED SUICIDES"
I have also annointed the end of my Blog hiatus with an image of my new found musical love, Placebo. Well, in truth, that would be one third of the band Placebo. And in fact, his name is Brian Molko and not at all Placebo. Just so we're clear. *snort* I've fallen in love with the bands latest record called Sleeping With Ghosts. It is my comfort, my muse, my ground. I love it with all of my heart. And yes, I am sure all Brian Molko wants or needs is another teenage girl hero worshipping him, but he'll just have to take it and like it because I'm not changing my mind. So there.

THE ASHTRAY GIRL
The Ashtray Girl is me when I'm thinking. Me when I'm really me. Me when things are too good and me when things are the worst of the worst for me. A random girl in a beautiful placebo song by the name of This Picture.

Farewell the ashtray girl
Angelic fruitcake
Beware this troubled world
Control your intake
Goodbye to open sores
Goodbye and furthermore
We know we miss her
We miss her picture

UPDATES
Well, things really haven't gotten much better since my last post.
We told our landlord we were not moving out and onto the street and so we were safe for a couple of weeks until he called his lawyer and got us officially evicted. Since then we have looked desperately for work with no luck at all. We are getting low on food again (though I could eat my spaghetti for an age), we have no place to go for the first of May, Elizabeth hasn't written in what seems like weeks, we have to sell all of our belongings off in a few days to try and make rent if we can find a place, if we do find a place to live it will most likely be a motel or a one bedroom apartment. If not than mam can go to my sisters but I will be quite homeless. *sigh*
We have nothing packed and nothing cleaned and no money at all but I just feel like God is going to take care of us. I'm finding that through all of this I am finding my faith in Jesus Christ again. I never lost it, but I wasn't very trusting. Things are changing and I do not know why.

But, on the good side of life, I have made a good friend in Erin (Lunarennui) over the past weeks. She has really been there for me when I felt most alone. And the last time I spoke of FearlessDiva it was to say I was giving in and going off to read Tissue Of Silver. I did indeed read it, recommend it, watch it steal away with HP Rec's Top Rec award for March and made a good friend aong the way. She has also been there through a few bad times over he past weeks. I am really greatful. the stranger part of the better part of life is that something has changed for me in the HP slash fandom. I don't know how or when this began (or when it will end) but I'm really finding it new and strange. I'm The recs girl in the fandom. (!!) I get a dozen emails almost everyday thanking me for my recommendations of the week. I actually get fangirled for my recommendations on a daily basis. (not you Davrusilla!) It has all become very strange. And believe it or not I get quite a bit of mail for my little bits of slashy fiction out there. That always amazes me. I try not to think of any of it because it confuses me. If you ask about any of this, I will deny it. My word.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIENCE TO BRIAN MOLKO

2003-03-06T21:30:00.000-08:00

(sometime tonight)

Mood: lazy
Song: New Genious - Gorillaz
Link: Asinine Poetry

'How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.'
~Anais Nin

NAME GAME
I wrote another short that was inspired beautifully by Elizabeth's kindness and support over the past few days.
It just broke my heart all over again to be assured that she cares for me. I wrote the following story for Elizabeth.
I dedicate it to her. I was listening to New Genious by Gorillaz on repeat and that gave me the broken style and atmosphere.

MAKE ME
There he is. Here I am. All that separates flesh is space and force
of mind. He waits for me to say something. I won't. I was here first,
waiting, knowing he would come for me. He comes to claim. I come to
be claimed. But there's more to it than that. We both know why we're
here and I know it's more than sex. It's more than domination and
being in control. It's love. He loves me more than he'll ever love
himself, standing there now looking as if he physically dragged
himself up here to me. His look is angry. Controlled. One fleeting
glance at him though, and I know he wants to kiss me, to touch my
hair, spread my legs, hold me down, plant himself. He wants to make
me love him. I want to make him lower that proud gaze.

He doesn't look away, but he doesn't come to me either. He waits for
me. I am going nowhere. I let him search my eyes, daring him to find
what he thinks he is looking for. I shiver without bothering to
conceal it. It's cold. The rain is heavy outside the window I'm
leaning against. I can feel it numbing my shoulder as if there were
no glass to separate me from the wet. He looks blue where he stands,
ragged, water painting the windows, flecking his skin with shadow,
marring a smooth jaw, blurring defined lips.

I offer him what he wants, lowering my eyes, tilting my hips. I want
him to touch me. I want him to lie me down here. I want him to see me
the way I see him now. Mine. I want to feel sharp finger nails,
strong hands, his weight above me. I want to cling to him the way he
loves me to, whisper his name the way he needs me to. I want to
please him. I want him to make me ache. He will make me ache. He
promises me now, looking at me like that.

I go to him, standing in the center of the small room, offering to
him again what he wants . He has to come to me now. I won't go any
further. He meets me, watching me, already claiming me with the marks
his gaze leaves burning on my skin. He stands eye to eye with me, no
humor there, not as amused with my little game as I clearly am. I
don't dare to move, he is in charge now. I can see it in the way he's
watching me. Feral, wicked. I challenge his gaze, my eyes not
wavering once. I lean forward, trying to catch my lips on his. His
mouth moves just out of my reach, taunting me. I look from soft lips
back to bright gems. He doesn't lick where my tongue touched.

He needs me, I see it. I lean into him again, feeling his breath
moist on my mouth before he draws away once more. I am truly aching.
A Gryffindor will always keep his promise. I lock eyes with him,
waiting for permission to touch. He waits for my attention, then
slowly leans forward, sucking my lip in through his teeth. Eagerly I
open my mouth to him, my back arching. I let him support me. Quickly
I am lowered to the ground, me beneath him the way down, leaving no
question as to who will be giving and who will be taking tonight.

As soon as I'm on my back I spread under him, his hand reaching
between to brush up against me. It's too much too soon. I arch
impossibly, my hips flicking up against him, twisting when he pins me
with his weight. I need him to touch me. This pleases him. A
Slytherin rarely keeps his promises.

Rarely.

He unfastens the clasp of my robe, pulling up at my sweater, pushing
it under my arms, ever impatient. My pants come off without me
lifting a finger, then my shorts. He sees my desire plainly, arching
the same as my back, impossibly. Wet and needing. Again he's looking
at me that way. I whimper childishly, impatiently as his hand slips
back down between our bodies, between my legs, rubbing down cruelly
over taut flesh and to my need. He toys with me, stroking me there.
Slowly he slips his finger inside, past the pain to the pleasure,
holding that spot. He knows without a word from either of us that it
is time.

I surprise him by turning onto my knees, looking over my shoulder,
inviting him. The hunger in dark green eyes bends me to a bow in
front of him, offering more than I can possibly give, making promises
I can't possibly keep. Love. Possession. Me. I lower my cheek to rest
on my arm in front of me and give in to every ounce of pain he gives,
taking it with enough pleasure for the both of us. I want it this
way. Deep, open, desperate. Deeper and deeper he moves in one slow
stroke, making me feel it as my insides part for him. My cry breaks
the air. He has broken me now as he knew he would, as he always does.
Breaking my will, breaking my flesh, breaking my heart.

He's touching me now like I wanted, hands gripping possessively at my
hips, thick cock stroking deeply, slowly, making it last, making me
need him. When it hits him I feel complete only when the bitter pain
of his seed fills me. I can't hold myself up, but he does it for me,
one arm around my waist as my vision fades, his breath slipping past
my ear. He pulls out, arm still holding me, turning me over gently,
cradling my head in that same hand. I look into the eyes above me,
finding my strength there. He watches my body as the trembling stops.
He closes my eyes, touching his lips to my lashes. But it's only a
moment before I open them again, assuring myself he's still there,
not gone like everything else...like everything else I love. But no.
He is there. Strong. Silent. Protecting me even now when he is at his
most vulnerable. Proving himself to me. Making me love him.

Fin!

2003-03-05T18:13:00.000-08:00

5:57PM

Mood: alone
Song: Burndt Jamb - Weezer
Link: Allivan's Wands

'A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.'
~ Gore Vidal

WHY SHOULD I CARE
In light of all that is going on I went to Mugglenet to treat myself to something non-depressing and had a wonderful time looking around at the Knight Bus filming news and then to a website selling handmade, numbered wands. I was delighted. And through it all (no money for food, eviction, tears) I have decided I must have one and desperately am looking for more work as to be able to afford one. *smile* Oh, yes. In news here. We still have no money and no place to stay and i learned last night to my utter dismay and pain that my sister told my mother she could come stay with them but I could not. I am crushed. *sigh*

A SHORT
I recieved a little note last nigth from Elizabeth. I haven't heard from her in what seems like an age but is more like a week and a half.
She's very busy with school and work but misses me. Somebody loves me! Can you believe it? She cared enough to just send me a note saying she was thinking about me and would write more soon. I'm seeing sunshine and lollipops.

REC'S
It's been an oddly heavy recommendations week on HP Recs so I'm about to go out there and read FearlessDiva's Tissue Of silver as I am being badgered endlessly and branded a bad and unhip slasher kid for not having adored it yet. Isolda has been talking it about it for weeks on HP Recs so I'm giving in. By the bye. If I had a list of top recommenders (meaning; always give good recommendations) she would definately be there. Very Good.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIENCE TO ANNIKABETH

2003-03-04T20:06:00.000-08:00

Find out which Draco you are.

7:37PM

Mood: *sigh*
Song: Beautiful - Mandalay
Link: Gay Boi Benji

A TASTE OF HONEY
I've just got to talk to somebody about what's going on in my life!
Things are getting worse and worse as the days pass and you know things are just that bad when your mom is trying hard to hide from you how really depressed she is. Everything is lies and betrayal. Only, this time it's not between she and I. This time our landlord Steve has decided to evict us. We have absolutely no place to live and moving away from mam would be a nightmare to me right now. She's all I've ever had and to be away from her is not an option. There isn't much talking in the house. We have food, but no money to pay rent so he wants us out in one week. I don't know a single person who would let me stay with them (I hinted around to Ashley a while ago that things are getting bad and she didn't have anything at all to say) and mother could stay with my sister and her husband but there is no room for me and I doubt they'd want me anywhere near them. You see, it seems, that I am the black sheep in my family, the blemished child, the one who wears her undershirts on the outside of her clothes (*gasp*) and won't go to church anymore.
Mum was supposed to get help from the school but we needed help last year as well (it usually happens around this time of year) so after approving the loan they withdrew it a couple of days ago and that was the money we were suposed to pay rent with. So, because none of us have jobs at the present moment (we're trying) nobody will help us to teach us some kind of lesson. Even the church we belong to refuses to help us because we have asked for help in the past. I was raised to believe that a Christian should always
help someone in need and they have failed me. We tried to get help from the church in the town over and they told us they weren't a bank and then proceeded to ask if she knew the pastors name. My mother told them the name of the last pastor they had had and they refused her. They fucking humiliated her. If you could have seen the look of shame and sadness on her face you would have wanted revenge. I'm not by any means saying I want revenge on the church but I am saying...I am losing my faith in the church. This has happened to me before...but last time that happened I was sixteen years old and suicidal. Now this is about feeling unsafe in
the one place you are supposed to feel safest. I haven't lost faith in God. Never. Only in the church. Now we're back where we started and the only lesson anybody is teaching me about life is that you should never depend or trust anyone. The world wants to know what makes us fucking kids so angry? This is it. Start fucking caring about somebody else! Care about us. The only shelter we can hope for is the battered women's shelter two towns away. We aren't battered but she was for years when she was with my father (boy does that make us sound tragic) and they might help us for a while. This is one of those moments I know I'll look back on in my memoirs one day. Mam is back at home with Steve and his wife (who is no doubt the one making him evict us) "talking" over it. I'm not there because I'm here. I am so angry I could kill him and nobody wants that so this is where I'll be for another hour or so.

CATAMITE
I've named the monster I've been writing about a very bad relationship between Draco and his father. Catamite.
For an age I couldn't find a name worthy of it's bold deprevation and then...I was reading the dictionary (yes, I actually do that) and I was looking at a picture of a boat of some kind and there it was. Grand. I've nicknamed Catamite my "monster" because I had to be angry to write it. Really angry. There is no fluff here. Draco never once calls his father Lucius durring sex. Oh, the possibilities. Like I said before. People will hate me for this.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIENCE TO DRACO MALFOY

2003-03-03T21:52:00.000-08:00

It is currently all the rage to love old images of The Beatles so I've gone to the Toppermost.
Dork. Going out to watch Wilde and drool over pretty gay boys and then to think up new idea's to help Melanie with her beloved
new Harry Potter site called Patronus. Brill!

GET IT ON.

2003-03-01T11:18:00.000-08:00

What Velvet Goldmine character are you?

(sometime this morning)

Mood: good
Song: Evenstar - The Two Towers
Link: Witch

'We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.'
~Oscar Wilde

ARCHIVED
I've been archived for my first time at a lovely looking Draco site called Sexxie Draco.
Isn't that grand? I've only had Witch out for three days. And I only wrote it four days ago.
I'm doing well, I guess. I'm not sure if I want to archive it anywhere else? I might. I don't want it to be my debut publishing.
But I guess it already is...we'll see. I'm thinking I would like to write something longer as my debut. *sigh*

GUL
Now I'm going to go ponder why it is that midnight car alarms sound oddly like the morning gul.

FIN.

2003-02-27T19:06:00.000-08:00

take the death quiz.

and go to mewing.net. laura = great.

(sometime tonight)

Mood: fook off *snog*
Song: Days Go By - Dirty Vegas
Link: Crimson Stained

'Assassins!'
- Arturo Toscanini

BLUSH
I'm a little lusty when it comes to this one little boy called Tom Felton so the prefered links are a little heavy on Draco Malfoy and this particular boy. So sorry! No. I'm really not. *grin*

GREAT WALLPAPER
Sexxie Draco
Legolas Fans.net
Boys Touching Wallpaper
Malfoy Obsession
Devil's Snare.org
Ava Kedevra.net
TheBan Band Wallpaper

FANTASTICAL BOY SITES
LOTR Slash Art
Slash Attack!
Boys Touching

BOOK ART
DC's Harry Potter Illustrations
KAGAMI NATUSUMO
Glockgal
Cloud 9
Love Wolf
Riff's HP Art
Lizeth's Loft
Jareth's Art
The Parapet
Return X Heart
P-Gene Market
Blood+Sugar+Sex+Magic
KSM
The Well At The Worlds End
Tea LEaves Gallery
Auto City Gallery
]Kurosusutoutou
E.A.
Spring Villa
High Tide Night
Coal Sack
Sleeping Beauty

I WISH I WERE A GAY BOY

2003-02-27T15:24:00.000-08:00

You are Princess sue!

What type of Mary Sue are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(sometime this afternoon)
Mood: optimistic
Song: Season Of The Witch - Donovan
Link: Glockgal's Site

'I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.'
~A. J. Liebling

STICHES & WITCHES
Two afternoon's ago I was dancing around to my favorite song of the moment (see above), it was oddly muggy for this time of year and the sun was bright. I felt the itch I always feel when it's time to write but I didn't know about what. I sat down at my computer, opened a blank document and this silly, writhing little story tumbled out of me. It's about a page long and about someone watching Harry in all of his awkward, tiny-shorts-wearing beauty. I wasn't too sure about it but Elizabeth liked it so I tinkered around with a couple of words and on a whim decided to post it on Glassesreflect. It's not a big deal, just a doodling that took a few minutes but it's my first published piece of HP slash so I'm proud of it. It's there below, unbeta'd (because Elizabeth refused to touch it) for you to read now.

WITCH
It started with those shorts.
An ordinary pair of short when off the boy, an extraordinary pair of shorts when on the boy. Just a small nothing pair of blue jeans, really. Cut off, torn at the top of slender, delicate thighs, jagged, thread bare patches along the inside seam, leading up to the sweet little swell between his legs.

Awkward legs, smooth lengths of honeyed thighs, calves, shoulders, a tiny curved waist, knees pink from kneeling in the grass, glowing creases of sweat kissed flesh behind his knee, his neck, the soft bend in his arm. Dark licks of hair clinging to his jaw, the nape of his neck, that flushed pink spot just below his ear, damp over the only scar his flawless skin bares.

Someone calls out his name across the glade from the other side of the lake, the words indecipherable to my ears. The giant. A large hand, a thick, tawny forearm beckoning for him from an open window. He stands from his crouch, hands clotted with soil, the waist of his shorts slipping just below two arching hip bones, material clinging to sweat dampened skin, peering out from under faded denim.

He raises a hand to his eyes, blocking the glare of the sun, waving to the man. He drops the blackened hand, wiping his brow with a burning forearm, a smudge of earth left on his temple. The boy turns back for a moment, prepairing to sink down to his knees. He stops. From across the lake music begins to play, slow, glazed, transfixed. The boy giggles secretly to himself, the smile playing on his lips, lingering. He tilts his head back, listening, obviously delighting in the treat of muggle music, not questioning how it can be played here, now, at the school.

I watch him, eyes shut lightly, fluttering, basking in the sun, his long, pale throat exposed. Lithe hips begin to sway as if caught in the breeze, slowly, sweetly. His shoulders roll back and the music seems to envelop him, carry him, seduce him. As if unaware his hips twitch, swaying deeper and deeper into the throb and whirl of the bass, his eyes dropping shut, arms raising, stretching, grasping, fingers clutching at the wind. The music swells, calling across the water. He spins slowly, arms out, free. And then...

The music begins to fade, the sting of the sun reminding the boy of where he is, blinking slowly, his eyes land on me so far away. A shy smile creeps across his face, teasing. He does this too me, lets me think I'm the one controlling the game. He smiles again, slyly, knowing what he's putting me through. He turns his back to me. I watch him kneel in the grass, those shorts he wears so well slipping just a little too low down his hips, dipping, offering a last glimps of smooth, secret flesh. He looks back with one final, treacherous glance, taunting me. I turn away then, back to the castle. Back to my reality.

When I look over my shoulder, What do you think I see ?
Some other cat looking over His shoulder at me.
And he's so strange, he's so strange.
You've got to pick up every stitch.
This must be the season of the witch.
~ Donovan - Season Of The Witch

THE GIRL WITH THE CHINESE SILK BLOUSE

2003-02-24T20:26:00.000-08:00

What type of slash writer are you?

Note: I highly recommend this amazing piece of writing by Rube called Garish. Brilliant!

2003-02-19T16:48:00.000-08:00

You are Lord Voldemort!

Which Harry Potter Baddie Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-02-18T17:33:00.000-08:00

5:13PM

Mood: thoughtful
Song: Float - The Music
Link: Dept, AIDS, Trade in Africa

'I am very much amused'
~Jack The Ripper

JACK IS BACK
I've been obsessively reading this book by the beloved Patricia Cornwell titled deliciously Portrait Of A Killer: Jack the Ripper - Case Closed. I have fallen under its spell and have barely been able to put it down since mother gave it to me as a gift last night around 10:00PM. I read it without putting it down once from almost the moment I had it in my hands far into the early hours of the morning. I spent five hours with this book and woke up in the morning and read for another three. I'm a fairly quick reader but I'm just finished chapter Twenty One titled A GREAT JOKE. If you haven't discovered what the book is about by now I will literally spell it out for you now. The author has delved into the life of a tragic (but brilliant) painter by the name of Walter Sickert.
To many, an almost worshiped painter. The author has a hard case. She must convince you (the reader) that this respected and loved man commited many horrendous murders under the name of none other than the infamous Jack the Ripper. I am convinced she is on to something no matter how unpopular that may make me. Look down your nose at me. Feels good. *smile*
She has found fingerprints, matching watermarks, DNA as evidence to her truths. But what really eats at me is the work she has done to find his paintings. The nail in the coffin for me was a painting she discovered by Sickert that is titled Jack the Rippers Bedroom. This paiting is a rather blurred vision of the late painters own bedroom. I could go on but I've got more reading to do.

JACK THE RIPPER LETTER QUOTES
"Ha Ha Ha"
"Catch me if you can"
"It's a jolly nice lark"
"What a dance I am leading"
"Love, Jack the Ripper"
"I told her I was Jack the Ripper and I took my hat off"
"Be good enough to send a few of your clever policemen down here"
"a good joke I played on them"
"I think you all are asleep in Scotland Yard"
"Oh, it was such a jolly job the last one."
"don't I laugh"
"Dear Boss...I was conversing with two or three of your men last night"
"why I passed a policeman yesterday & he didn't take no notice of me."
"I love my work"
"You never caught me and you never will Ha Ha"

ARE YOU MR. NEMO?

2003-02-15T12:59:00.000-08:00

BETTA BETA
I've been thinking about becoming a beta. Harry Potter slash, of course.
But...well...I'm not sure...I wouldn't want to do it for someone who wasn't a real writer.
Meaning: someone who really cannot write. Is that terrible of me? Probably.
I'm sick of working on my L/D monster slash (people are going to hate me for that one) and I want something to do in my free time.
I think betaing would fit in there just perfectly. How do you go about getting someone to beta for? *frowning*

2003-02-14T16:34:00.000-08:00

4:35PM

Mood: Fussbudget
Song: Black Betty - Ramjam
Link: Apple Jacks

'We're not into music...we're into chaos!'
~Steve Jones

VALENTINE
My nephew Jo is having his first Birthday today and...I wasn't invited. Suprise! Mam went but I think everybody agreed without me that they'd like to keep "The Christmas Day Terror" from repeating itself. Only in their fucking eyes I was the devil-child who stole their Christmas. I say...eat my Robbie Williams panties.
I didn't get any valentines and nobody has said Happy Valentines but its alright because Valentines Day is for lovers.

FINK
I'm researching as many fairytales as possible. I'm writing a book about a boy who discovers all fairy tales are real.
We'll see what happens. Until!

I PLEDGE ALLEGIENCE TO ROBBIE WILLIAMS

2003-02-11T17:43:00.000-08:00

5:40PM

Mood: dull as diamonds
Song: Someday - The Strokes
Link: Rubeus Theory

'The hottest day of the summer was drawing to a close and a drowsy silence lay over the large, square hourse of Privet Drive...
The only person left outside was a teenage boy lying flat on his back in a flowerbed outside number four.'
~The opening lines of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

EYE SORE
How's real life for soap in your eye at seven in the morning?
It was great. *sarcastic smile* Fantastic!
I woke up, stumbled into the shower and learn as I'm lathering shampoo into my long locks that something "wrong" with the shower
and I've got about four minutes before it turns ice cold on me. Great. So, I wash the shampoo out but to save time I don't wash it off my forehead. Can you see it coming? Great. Well, I lean down for the conditioner on the rim of the tub and instantly I feel blinding pain in the inner corner of my right eye. I hop on the spot, I jump on the spot, I curse on the bloody spot and does the soap listen to me? Oh no. So, now I've got a slightly swollen eye that still feels like its got fourty eye lashes tucked into it neatly. It did feel a lot more like a thousand eye lashes this morning so I'm counting my lucky stars. Just Great.

GEEK PUNK
Last night I started attending mam's computer classes at the local church.
So...I guess they're my computer classes now. I know very littlle about computers this should help me in a grand way by the time I complete the course. I'm better at it than mam is but she's always been terrible with anything electronic. Often times her alarm clock goes off durring supper instead of early in the morning. *snort* I'm doing well concidering the rest of the students have already had about a dozen classes and this was my first. We'll see.

PRETTY IN PINK
I've painted my nails a lovely shade. Pink Blush. Metalic like a mirror but just so perfectly flushed.
I never paint my nails because I have piano fingers (I actually play the piano) and I prefer them bare.
I have this belief that a lady wears her finger nails bare and her toes cherry red. It's just me.
I go around bare footed in the summer showing everybody my beloved "cherry toes". *blush*

GET IT ON.

2003-02-08T15:56:00.000-08:00

(sometime this afternoon)

Mood: kitch
Song: Attack of the Ghost Riders - The Raveonettes

TO-DAY
Today I really discovered The Raveonettes and I've decided to shamelessly plug them right here right now. So there! *grin*

GET IT ON.

2003-02-07T15:43:00.000-08:00

3:41PM

Mood: danger girl
Song: Why Does It Always Rain On Me? - Travis
Link: The Orlando Bloom Files

'Oh, go manicure your nails.'
~Viggo Mortensen to Orlando Bloom

AND SO...
I haven't got much to say but my sunny day ended up more as my gloomy day because mam got home and decided she hated me
and I was only worth to her what I could pay in rent (which is zero at the present moment). I ignored her and tried to keep my
state of mind well and I failed miserably and cried all day. Not terrible, sloppy, self-pitying tears, mind you, but quiet, lonely tears.
The kind that run from your lashes to the dip in your collar. I've got that Orli pic up there because he's just so pretty and I had
to do something to cheer my small self up. Oh...fook off.

THURSDAY, FEBUARY 6, 2003 [11:30AM Sheena's Journal]
"I'm having a very happy, slow, casual morning and I feel very good sitting here at my table in the glow of the sun."

[12:08PM Sheena's Journal]
"Mother just came home and I was very excited to see her for some reason but when she heard my voice it was clear that I was the last person she had wanted to hear from."

[2:38PM Sheena's Journal]
"I was determined to have a good day and I failed. I really tried...she started shouting at me...I left the room...I crouched down where I was standing and gave up and the tears began to stream."

[11:39PM Sheena's Journal]
"She gave me chocolate and Harry Potter valentines and for a moment I felt so loved. Now I feel so tagic."

[12:25AM Sheena's Journal]
"She came in here to turn the music down and she saw the tears all over my face and on these pages and she seemed not to understand how it could be that I was crying. And she tried to tilt my face up to look at her and I moved away and she just gave up and left. That hurt me to know that she knew I was hurting like that and didn't stay. She rejected me again."

FIN.

2003-02-06T14:27:00.000-08:00

2:23PM

Mood: good
Song: Tennesse Sucks - Ryan Adams
Link: The Harry Potter Symposium

SUNNY DAY
I spent my morning drinking sweet tea lying on my bed in the glow of the sun listening to my new favorite record called Demolition by Ryan Adams. I am feeling so good that I had to come here and say so and leave you with a hug. Be happy for me. I'm happy.

Love, me

2003-02-05T20:43:00.000-08:00

8:26PM

Mood: defeated
Song: Take It Off - The Donnas
Link: Get Fuzzy

'Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul.
Lo-lee-ta: the tongue taking a trip of three steps
down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta. '
~Humbert Humbert

BAD GIRLS
I've been reading livejournals over the past hour and why the fuck are all the slasher kids (such as myself) so pissed off?
I would expect it from Libertine (for her 'fuck off' is love 'kiss me') but what about everybody else. People are too preoccupied with cool.
I wish it would stop.

DIE, ALRIGHT!
Here is my list of music you should be listening to or at least die trying:

#1. The White Stripes
#2. The Ravonettes
#3. Wilco
#4. Weezer
#5. The Bronx
#6. Sleater-Kinney
#7. Bright Eyes
#8. The Donnas
#9. Ryan Adams
#10. Coldplay
#11. Yeah Yeah Yeahs
#12. Gorillaz
#13. Interpol
#14. The Soundtrack Of Our Lives
#15. The Flaming Lips
#16. Hot Hot Heat

GET IT ON.

2003-02-04T19:44:00.000-08:00

8:00PM

Mood: sunny
Song: Man Research - Gorillaz
Link: © Harry + Draco ©

THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT: My Tribute to HP Slash

#1. Sin Laced Sweet Infatuation by Elizabeth (Annika Twist or Penny Lane)
My favorite Scene:
"Then Harry felt sick, overwhelmed by the violent paroxysm of emotion that seized him. So exhausted from the onslaught that he felt he might collapse. So confused, because it seemed he didn't know what to feel, and the shock delivered Harry a vicious blow, so he was left staggering blindly, trying to balance out the tirade of emotions. A hand snaked around Harry's waist to slide into his pocket and grasp his wand. Agile fingers slipped back around Harry's waist and Harry felt a flicker of fire against his ear, "I think *I'll* hold on to this for the moment."

Why I love this piece of writing:
She has a way of painting the world blue and black before your very eyes with a single word. Absolutely the best angst slash there is in the Harry Potter fandom. Rated R but I wish it would turn NC17. And yes, this writer is The Elizabeth I often refer to in my entries here on Fete. I asked Aja (VanityFair) about eleven months ago for some really good recommendations and she recommended me Sin Laced Sweet Infatuation off the bat. The title
almost scared me off (it sounded very dark) but I read it regardless and was so elated at having read such a masterpiece I emediately gave her a review of sorts. I was suprised when what felt like moments later she emailed me (I asked her to). It's strange.
We never stopped writing to each other. I guess I owe one of my closest friends to Aja.

#2. Playing Bastard by Lyle
My favorite scene:
"Ten steps ahead of him. Brilliant, synthetic light slices through the corridor, fucking my eyelids. Low, rich laughter boils through the air. He's addictive. It must be a drug. Narrow, glinting windows line the passageway. A tapestry depicting a sleeping dragon hangs on the wall to my left. Jerk it to the side, revealing an oval entrance into a small conference room. Glance down the hall. He's alone. Potter must have stayed back to talk to one of his professors, and Granger is in the library again. He trudges by, gazing unwittingly out the windows. He should have learned to watch his back by now. 'Ha. Too bad.' I grasp him quickly by the waist and land a kiss on the back of his neck. His jolt of surprise nearly frees him, but I snatch him in my arms and tug him back into the room with me, too shocked to fight."

Why I love this piece of writing:
There is something detached and haughty about Lyle's style. His perception of Draco Malfoy is exactly who he would be were he a real person and not a fictional character. Forever on I will be trying not to copy Lyle's style and pace and scrambled, incessant crushing thoughts. The story isn't so much about sex or domination but pride. I think.

#3. Innocence by Ivy Blossom
My favorite scene:
"Harry ran his hands along Draco's back, and froze in place when Draco's fingers began to wander under his shirt. It had not taken long, pressed against the back of the owlry between a thick wooden post and the shingled wall, for Draco to slip his hand inside Harry pants and stroke him, Harry's body shaking, knees wobbling, moaning into Draco's ear, throwing his head back and slamming it accidentally into the wall behind him. Draco chuckled, feeling oddly flattered, oddly in control of the famous Harry Potter. "Don't hurt yourself," he whispered, sliding his fingers though Harry's messy hair and kissing him as he continued to stroke his cock, fingertips playing along the underside, coated in Harry's anxious fluid. He did not care that when Harry came, it was directly onto his robes. He had wiped them relatively clean afterwards with a handkerchief on the way back to the Great Hall, where they were late for lunch, but the spot remained damp through Transfiguration class as a kind of reminder."

Why I love this piece of writing:
There is something always new about Ivy's style. She brings the characters alive for me and makes me feel something for each character. She makes even Lucius look at his best when he is at his worst. This is only a small artful piece of work meant to fill in a few holes from her previous genious Haven but is equal to it in my opinion. Her Draco is the only one I've ever felt something beyond simple feeling for. And in this fiction she wrote (for the first time I think?) about Harry. She gave him some characterisation. Ivy is a true writer.

#4. Academia by Sushi
My favorite scene:
"Tom pulled his arm out from the recesses of the drawer. It had to be magical - he'd been groping up to the shoulder. A small jar was in his hand. When he stood up he caught Severus staring at him and raised an eyebrow. Severus tried to look innocent.
Tom grinned. 'Perhaps next time.'"

Why I love this piece of writing:
Ah, Sushi. The ever elusive Queen of Darkfics.
Sushi's humour, quiet style and relentless drive for individuality are exactly what you're looking for in a fandom overflowing with fiction about Harry "accidentally" falling into Draco's arms. Lyle recommended her to me and to HP Recs numerous times before I could find it. I must say it was more than worth the time it took to read.

#5. Snitch! by Al
My Favorite Scene:
"He found himself looking into Draco's eyes. Very grey. Slowly, the words taking time to form in his mouth, he spoke.
'Please say we didn't?' Draco nodded.
'Didn't you enjoy it?' Harry put his hand to his forehead ... as always happened when he had had too much to drink, his scar was aching worst of all. 'Draco ... I don't even remember it.'
'Let me remind you.'
Before Harry could reply, Draco leant forwards, and very gently kissed him. Just as he had the first time, all those years before,
Harry felt a strange kind of heat rising within his body ... something he never felt with anyone else. He pushed Draco away.
'Stop it! Fucking stop it! What do you think you're doing?'
'You weren't like this last night,' said Draco softly, almost sadly. 'I really think you need reminding.'
'No!'

Why I love this piece of writing:
Al's snitch! is both gorgeously camp in the way of Velvet Goldmine and rebellious in the way of Trainspotting.
There's something blasphemous and crude about his tarted up Draco but I must admit it is positively the best part about this fiction.
When Draco listens to Moby in his flat I went straight out and bought it. Al creates his own distinct culture in Snitch! that makes the reader want to be a part of. Not quite reality...yet still very hip. I respect Al
and his skill in drawing you in from the first sentence on.

#6. Love Under Will by Aja
My favorite scene:
"Heedless of the fact they could be discovered at any moment, they fell back against the floor of the landing, skin scraping on cold stone as they kissed, their bodies urgently pressed together. Their mouths clung to one another: fingers clenched against fingers, palm-to-palm, stretching and pulsing and pushing to be so close to each other they joined in a permanent embrace. Gasping, they pushed back robes and tore at clothes until quickly they were only flesh, struggling to be as completely entwined as it was possible to be. Harry pushed himself above Draco, who spread himself beneath Harry and wrapped his legs around Harry’s back with a groan of submission. Harry responded with a kiss so forgiving and passionate Draco nearly climaxed in his arms then and there, just from the rapture of having him back. But Harry’s smile kept him waiting, held him at bay and enfolded him all at once. He was overcome. He needed Harry inside of him. He needed to become one half of the entity that was Harry/Draco, their bodies writhing in rhythm, sweat and saliva mixing, kisses burning like brands against skin, marks of possession so strong they would never, ever fade. This was the only thing he ever wanted to feel: all of Harry, wrapped around him, heart, mind, soul, and body inescapably conjoined with his, rising and falling within him with every breath he took. Draco floated. He had never known anything like the insatiable power of Harry Potter inside of his body that night. It was the first moment of true completion in his life."

Why I love this piece of writing:
This is the first Harry/Draco slash I ever read when I got into the fandom for my first time. I began with Snape, then Snape/Draco and that evolved to Harry/Draco. I was struggling along and I came across a link to her fiction. It was the first I'd heard of it and the intensity blew me away. I needed that next chapter (I think it was seven?) and I wrote to her in a frenzy. She wrote back giggling to herself but was too late because I'd already found it on Draco 101. It truly doesn't matter if Draco loves harry or Harry loves him back because you know everything is going to work out. She gives you that sense of relief in her style.

#7. Draco Malfoy and the Heart of Slytherin by SaberShadowkat
My favorite scene:
"Draco worked on a new potion, putting aside his wand for a few days after Christmas. He successfully created a molyjuice potion, a derivative of the polyjuice potion, which only changed a person's voice and took less time to brew. Professor Snape helped him once more to write up a report to submit to the Ministry. Draco was feeling quite pleased with himself after the owl was sent off, and he retrieved his wand and attempted to cast expecto patronum again.
The spell worked almost perfectly. He now knew the form of his patronus.
Draco spent the remainder of the day in bed with his head under the pillow.
His patronus was a fifteen-year-old Harry Potter. "

Why I love this piece of writing:
Sabershadowkat (I always wonder how he/she came up with that name?) does an rare job of continuing on with Rowlings wizarding world in the right way. In most cases the magic is believable but there is no detail or true magic to be found.
Draco Malfoy and the Heart of Slytherin is a masterpiece in its own right simply because Sabershadowkat dared to change tradition and take two boys, let them actually grow into men, create a plausible friendship and therefore leave a reader like me biting my fingernails everytime any one chapter comes to an end. Great.

#8. Beyond the Barriers by Ria
My favorite scene:
"The witch looked at him again, this time more sharply and she saw the faint scar on his forehead and clicked things together. She gasped softly, a hand covering her mouth in amazement. “You...” He closed his eyes and cursed inwardly, berating himself for not paying closer attention to his scar and how much of his hair had been covering it. “Yes. Please, I am desperate for a room. I am in danger of being captured tonight and extensive torture awaits me by the Dark Lord himself.” Well, they said to always use truth as a last resort. And that was what he was doing. For it was his last resort.
The witch looked at him and he could see the frustration in her anguished chestnut eyes. She clearly wanted to help him, but there was no denying that there wasn’t a room left... “I’ll sleep on the floor,” he told her roughly, his nerves stretched to breaking point by then. “Just please, let me stay inside.” If he was sent outside, then he knew he would be captured before dawn even thought of gracing the horizon. The witch sighed, opened her mouth -- no doubt to tell him what part of the floor to sleep on -- when they were interrupted by a quiet, smooth voice. A voice he remembered quite well and which made him stiffen in a mixture of surprise and shock when it reached his ears. “Now really, there is no need for the mighty Harry Potter to spend the night on the floor,” the voice interjected softly, but there was no need for such discretion, for the noise in the inn had reached fever-pitch -- all in it were desperate to forget the atrocities of the war and used on-edge laughter to try and hide their fear. The deeper into night they went, the louder the laughter became."

Why I love this piece of writing:
There is a distinctly Lord of the Rings atmosphere to this fiction. The small inn, the war looming outside the inn, the way Draco
see's Harry from a dark corner. It is a true rarity for something like this to come along in Harry Potter fiction. In Beyond the Barriers there is a true element of story telling that satifies me...even inspires me to write my own. A beauty.

2003-02-03T19:49:00.000-08:00

7:45PM

Mood: can't settle down!
Song: Main Offender - The hives
Link: Rose Is Rose

'Hon, you should try to eat some of your protein off a plate.'
~Debbie Novotny Queer As Folk [season 1]

KYLIE KITCH
Am I the only one not to have seen Kylie's naked commercial until now?
OK. Not actually naked but pretty fucking close enough.
I would just like to say that I loved it and I am unpologetic to anyone who would like to take this moment to scoff.
*waiting* Great! It's fantastically saucy and naughty and The Hives as the soundtrack make it what it is.
Go Kylie!

THE RIGHT TO FIGHT
Its strange. Mam and I aren't fighting and haven't said a bad thing to each other since yesterday when she left my room.I sat there and cried. I stayed in my room for awhile and a little while later I went out and made myself a cup of camomile tea without sugar and went back to my bed. It wasn't the best of days but it certainly wasn't the worst of days on my part. She and I are not through because we never resolve a thing but as long as we're not in tears the world is upright to me.

I THINK?
I think Elizabeth was supposed to be online tonight to talk to me but she wasn't.
Can't say I'm not disapointed. Can't say I'm not sorry. Can't say I'm entirely right.

GET IT ON.

2003-02-02T16:07:00.000-08:00

2:20PM

Mood: quiet
Song: Come Into My World - Kylie
Link: Nylon Magazine

'I am not delicate!'
~Harry Potter [book 3]

STEALING BEAUTY
I just came here quickly to engrave an image.
Today mother and I had a really bad fight. I thought it was going to go badly (and it did) but this was incredible.
We fought in every room of the house until finally she came into my room. I said something terribly cruel in its bluntness ("I reject you, mother!") and she cried. Real tears. It just killed me. She left the room and I was left alone to cry tragicly to myself as
Christina sang her heart out to the tune of Beautiful. Beautiful. I'm not a fan but this moment changed that song for me.

That is all.

2003-02-01T15:52:00.000-08:00

You are a CYNICAL VIRGIN.

What Kind of Virgin Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-01-30T21:19:00.000-08:00

9:15PM

Mood: so happy
Song: Praise you - Fatboy Slim
Link: HP Recs Photos

'Obviously Doctor, You've never been a thirteen year old girl.'
~Cecelia Lisbon from The Virgin Suicides on why she tried to commit suicide

A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING
I've just had my first chat online with beloved Elizabeth and I'm so happy I could cry.
I think I just might. Elation. Purely. I love you Annikabeth! I'm such a dork.

GET IT ON.

2003-01-28T21:09:00.000-08:00

-

9:12PM

Mood: tame
Song: Life In Mono - Mono
Link: Ivy Blossom's Fanfiction

'Oh, sweet Viggo!
~Elijah Wood

SOMETIMES I...
I haven't got much to say other than I'm thinking about God, I'm sad, I stole my zonkboard idea from Ivy, I added way
too many images to HP Recs tonight and I'm very tired.

A good night.

2003-01-27T19:09:00.000-08:00

7:22PM

Mood: tick tock
Song: Songbird - Oasis
Link: Punk

'Is there such thing as a snow orgasm?'
~Elizabeth

ALL THAT BRASS!
I went to see Chicago last night.
I was supposed to have seen it about a month ago when I had the fortune of seeing Gangs of New York instead.
The film came out in a semi-wide release this friday but I saw The Hours that afternoon so I had to wait for Sunday.
Let me just say that the musical is most definately back. Really. It was so fucking exciting! I love Moulin Rouge but this was something else altogether. I wanted to clap each time a scene was over. The dancing and Velma Kelly. My new hero. Roxie too. I cannot say enough. I want to dance like they do!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN....REALLY?
There is some talk that certain bands that are brilliant are being ignored for the "The" bands that are so hep for us kids right now. I would say that they are perfectly right on that one. I was thinking and I just have had about enough when it comes to the band Oasis. I was never a big fan when they were "The Biggest Band In The World" in the mid-90's but I wasn't so blind as to think they were a one off band. They were good. What I'm saying now is that they are still good. Really good. Simple as that. Have a listen to their latest called Heathen Chemistry. Absolutely one of the best of the year and like SPIN says...the world yawned. Don't be so feckin' stupid, aye! *grin*

PORNOGRAPHIC PRIESTESS
Alright. I finally got off my adorable arse and got to reading Irvine Welsh's latest called Porno. Great! Very impressive and skanky. I once read an interview in which Irvine Welsh said that he has this view
onthe world in which he believes that everyone in the world is doing drugs so who really cares...and that's exactly the way he writes.
Porno is his sequel to Trainspotting that they're filming right now. I thought I'd better read it before the film comes out. There was a bit in The Province a few weeks ago that said they were having problems
on the set because the cast looks too healthy now. *snort* What a shame. Come on Ewan! Lets see those track marks!

BUGGER
I recently read an article in the recent edition of Rolling Stone titled "Bug Chasers" that really upset me as a human being. It wasn't the writer [Gregory A. Freeman] but the subject of the article. Bug Chasers are men who are deliberately trying to get the HIV virus. Why? Because it will be "the most erotic thing I can imagine.". Of course I'm not going to understand how and why it should (and would) be erotic. Does he mean that it feels good or does he mean he just wants to be a part of something that badly? I won't say much other than if I could banish AIDS I would. I'm thinking that these men are very misled and it scares me to be honest. Moving on.

DARK CHILD
I've learned that Mel (little sister of Alison) finally came out to Alison, her brother, her father and Marian.
Alison seemed OK with it but always figured she was bi and not "all the way gay". I suspect Alison is a little less open minded then she's letting on. *ponder* Her dad was like "And...?" and brother Rod just wanted her to be happy. That leaves the very unhappy mam
to tell. I'm thinking Mel won't tell her until she moves out because she won't understand (more like won't want to understand).
Ashes is pushing for Mel not to say a word but I should like to think that dearest Mel is braver than that. She owes it to herself to be free of the burden of having to hide it from family when I 'm sure her mother has some clue. Anyway. Mel's got a new girlfriend called Lindsey and Ashley has started dating her room mate Mike. She dumped Poor Peter again. I'm shocked. *grin*

GUIDE TO COOL
Read SPIN religiously.
Watch George on The Wedge religiously.
Read Please Kill Me religiously.

GET IT ON. (please)

2003-01-25T16:08:00.000-08:00

4:00PM

Mood: glee
song: Judy Is A Punk - The Ramones
Link: Suck

'Goodbye, little girl.'
~Virginia Woolf in The Hours

THE HOURS
Mam took me to see the film The Hours yesterday afternoon at the Colossus in Langley. The theater was practically empty with the exception of one elderly couple that talked through the entire thing behind us and a handful of people scattered throughout on their own. Someone brought their two year old child to sing durring the most pivitol scenes. *fake smile* That was lovely. But putting all of that aside, the film was one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen. I couldn't speak after the credits had rolled. Mam and I just sat in silence. The director also made the incomparable Billy Elliot. The cinematography was the best part.That's not to say that everything else about it wasn't just as amazing. I cannot believe I saw it.

SHEENA IS A PUNK!
Last night I had the most punk moment.
Mam and were fighting for a change and I got really pissed of and ran to my room. Well, mam knows wat that means. Very. Loud. Music. I locked the door and put Judy Is A Punk on as loud as it would go (the walls shake). The song is like, a minute and a half short so I played it on repeat thirty times.
She was banging on the door hollering at the top of her lung ('Turn that racket down!') in top notch Twisted Sister fashion. It was fucking fantastic! I just jumped around and ignored her which only served to get her going even more. Great, great, great!

PRETTY PENNY DOLL
Today I went to a little party at the tiny Sumas library (Washington State) for my favorite librarian called Penny. Penny is a lovely woman who always has a smile for you. I really just love her (though I don't think she knows it). It was her 35th anniversary today working as a librarian and she had a party. I'm still here.
She looks so happy. I'm happy for her.

ON A LAST NOTE...
I'm rereading The Virgin Suicides.
And to Elizabeth...TIG!. Got you first.

GET IT ON.

2003-01-23T20:51:00.000-08:00

8:53PM

Mood: moody
Song: Needle In The Hay - Elliott Smith
Link: Shutterbug Magazine

'Hermione's Breasts.'
~Conan O'Brien on what Harry Potter is going to be looking for in book 5

PULP LOVES LIFE
Last night I bought This record by a band I'd never actually heard called Pulp. The title of it was We Love Life.
I absolutely ♥ it! The perfect morning wake-up-you-fuck album. I'm so happy I bought it. The last time I bought a record on impulse was Is This It in October 2001. Very good. Very British and moody and kind of tart.

CLASSICS
I've been thinking about the world classic. Is it just me or is it overused?
And I don't like what its become as well. It means old in most circumstances. How did it evolve to that?
If you call a film star that was once beautiful it means they're aging instead of young and dewy. If you call music classic it
means dated. There are countles "Classic Rock" radio stations but what I ask is why is the music classic? It's kind of an insult to the music. I mean, you wouldn't call The Ramones "Classic Punk" would you? Honestly. I don't believe in Classic.

DANI BOY
The name of possibly the coolest thirteen year old boy on earth. *grin*
Daniel Radcliffe. He listens to The New York Dolls, The Sex Pistols and The Hives, he wants to be a writer and he loves The Royal Tenenbaums. What more to cool is there, I ask. I would only think that Dani Boy should get his cute little arse running if he thinks he can call himself punk by just listening to punk music. *snort* On the subject of Mr Radcliffe...
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is comming out on DVD April 11, 2003 with nineteen extra scenes! Yes! Dork.

NOTE TO ELIZABETH!
I've tried to reply to your letter twice and my computer messes it up. The reply is comming soon! *sticking out tongue*

GET IT ON.

2003-01-22T15:37:00.000-08:00

(sometime this afternoon)

Mood: warm
Song: Buddy Holly - Weezer
Link: Avrilution

'I will carry on writing, to be sure.
But I don't know if I want to publish again [after Harry Potter].'
~JK Rowling

THE BIG NEWS!
Bloomsbury has officially released a statement as of January 15, 2003 concerning the publication of a certain anxiously awaited book by Mrs JK Rowling. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
Now, I was fully aware of this but I kind of went into shock. Now I can acknowlege to myself that book five is actually finished! It will be published in the UK, the US, Australia and Canada Saturday, June 21, 2003! I am beyond happy and excited.

Other than that all is well and I'm off home now to rest.

GET IT ON.

2003-01-21T16:37:00.000-08:00

4:40PM

Mood: curious
Song: Die, Alright! - The Hives
Link: The Guinness Vote

'Most indignation is jelousy with a halo.'
~HG Wells

QUIET RIOT
I have been going through a little bit of a crisis over the past few days.
Let's just call it the past week. First off I've been fighting with mam a lot but it seems to be breaking
through to something else that leads me to belive we migth not be fighting for the rest of our lives. Mother and I have
a relationship not many other mothers and daughters can account for. We fight. A lot. We curse and spit and cry and
ignore and hug. The really terrible fights happen at least once a week. The only thing is...it's not so bad.
It's been happening since I was around six years old and da died of a heart attack. I became extreamly rebelious
a way of dealing with death for my first time and she just let me. The end result is me now. A rebelious snotty brat
who thinks she has to answer to no one. *smirk* OK. So maybe God.
We fight because I believe she doesn't care enough and she believes I care too much. Quite a predicament.
Our fighting is painful on its own but I cannot imagine life without it and I'm not too sure I want to. It's home to me.
She hates the fighting. My sister says I'm going to give her a stroke. I say to that...what about my fookin' stroke, aye?!
I guess blame and rightious indignation just come with the territory of turning bloody nineteen. What do you think?

SPOTTING TRAINS AND THE LIKE
I have come to really experience the film Trainspotting in a good way recently. Like...last night.
I've seen it twice before now. Once when I was fifteen and a second time when I was eighteen (about a year ago).
Elizabeth kept talking about it and I love Ewan and Irvine Welsh's vision of a novel but the film was somehow narrow in my own vision
of this ecstatic film. But, Elizabeth really loves it and so I thought I would just suck it up (I hear Kiss) and give it another go.
Would you belive I adored it. Yes? Good. *smile* I really liked it a lot. I must have changed quite a bit since the last time I saw it.
Good for fucking me. Don't you agree? Good.

TRUE LOVE¿
As long as I've wanted to write I've wanted to write about the Nazi's.
I could never figure out how to succesfully put love and a life of a Nazi together without mocking history.
But last night I came into an idea. I think I got the spark of the idea a year ago with the novel
While England Sleeps from a relationship between two more minor characters in the book.
A boy with a powerful father and a man obsessively in love with the boy. I love the idea of love. So far, I've never been in
love but writing about it sooths that little void. The idea of love through all odds. That anybody can have love. That anybody can lose love. The thought of being born for one person and they born for you. Only you. That takes my breath away.
I want to write about a boy with a powerful Nazi father in the 1920's. The boy is gay and the father knows. The father will not allow
him to admit it to anyone...not even himself. The boy lives in fear. But falls in love with a Nazi soldier who tries to take him away
from it all. I want it to be about the fight for love. Not exactly original but not a bad idea either. I'm still in the very beginning stages
of the plot. I'm really excited because it means something to me. I hope all will go well.

GET IT ON.

2003-01-16T19:49:00.000-08:00

7:49PM

Mood: Vulnerable
Song: The Arrival Of Baby Harry - John Williams
Link: The Harry Potter Lexicon

'If I'd lived in Roman times I'd have lived in Rome. Where else?
Today America is the Roman Empire and New York is Rome itself.'
~John Lennon

QUIET AS A CUP
I feel so small and shy and sad.
I need somebody to talk to right now but I'm just alone.
I feel inside out. As if everyone can see what I'm thinking and hear all of my secrets.
I feel like a child. Like Harry. My hero.
I need someone.

Good night.

2003-01-14T13:28:00.000-08:00

(sometime this afternoon)

Mood:snap
Song: Lament To Gandolf - Lord of the Rings
Link: Rankin Photography

'She's the orginal good time that was had by all.
~Bette Davis on a then starlet

ANNIKABETH¿
Just an ode to you Elizabeth!
To your kindness, soft heart, love and brain.
I sometimes think of you as Annikabeth when I'm writing in my journal at home.
I didn't learn your name for some time and when I did I couldn't get myself to remember so you became Annikabeth adoringly in my mind. I don't have to do that anymore (and I'm glad) but I just wanted you to know I care about you. So there. *grin*
Oh! And I did notice that you titled your breath-taking Legolas photograph on Tattered Laces'® Beauty. Aptly named.

HAG LADY
Today I cam across a woman.
It all started with free food. When you're poor sometimes you have to swallow your pride and go
to places that will give you fresh bread for free (a bakery). Mama and I went today and were met
with the most infuriating old hag I have ever come to pass.We are not charity.
We know the baker. We stepped inside and she smiled until we told her why we had arrived.
Her smile vanished. Completely. She thought we were scum. I thought she was scum, thanks.
*looking down nose* She gets the bread but practically throws it into my mothers arms. I stand tall and
stare her down. It is a part of my nature never to back down to anyone. This time she looked
nervous. Mam and I may have our troubles but nobody will ever treat us as less. Not ever.
I even recall watching her pick out the lumpiest loaves she could muster for us. I don't eat much bread
so I say to her (perhaps too late?) a very merry fuck you.

And so, in a day of hag's, Elizabeth's reply and new
The Return of the King images I say to you...adiou!

Get It On.

2003-01-13T13:22:00.000-08:00

(sometime this afternoon)

Mood: lazy
Song: Origin Of Love - Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Link: Barbie

'Youth is wasted on the young.'
~Oscar Wilde

HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH
Last night I rented this film on dvd.
It has been a seemingly long journey toward my first Hedwig experience.
I have known about the show for what seems like an age but couldn't get past the front cover poster.
A man. Dressed as a woman. Obviously a man. And massive blonde hair.
Many times I would just stare at the cover and then turn away, not quite ready yet for it.
Last night was my lucky moment. I was at Blockbuster and nothing looked interesting
I came across Hedwig and the Angry inch and decided to get over myself.
I went home, pressed play on the remote and the first thing I see is this man in a terrible gold off the shoulder top, that wig, and bright red lips doing a sad comedy bit on a tiny stage.
I hunch my shoulders forward as if going to war, begin the movie and...watch it twice in a row before the
night is over. I loved it! I adored it! Absolutely brazen and beautiful for all of the right reasons. Funny, great music and a rather fetching cast of characters. My new crush.

PRETTY BOY
Last night I was bored to tears (before Hedwig) and my imagination got away with me.
I staretd imagining a young beautiful boy being the son of a general (or something along that line) on an
army base. I wanted him to be beautiful, too pretty and young. Some sorts of music always remind me of sex so i had this sudden idea that he should be so beautiful that he seduces all of the enlisted boys on the
base into his bed. I wrote it down and it ended up being the beginning of an outine for a novel I think I should like to write. It has evolved, of course. now it involves incest, terror and love. We'll see.

IN OTHER NEWS...
Eizabeth hasn't written back to my last letter, I need to reply to Lyle's last letter right now and I need to
look for some new slash to read. I'm quite growing wary of only h/d. Until!

GET IT ON.

2003-01-11T14:13:00.000-08:00

2:10PM

Mood: damp
Song: Sing - Travis
Link: Aids

'I always thought a punk was someone who took it up the ass.'
~William S. Burroughs

THE SICKLY SISTER
My sister is over for a few hours at home and I escaped here to get away.
Its not that she's so bad. I love her. But you know about my confrontation with her husband and I'd just
rather stay away from him. He's the kind of person who only makes up their mind about people once.
I'm not in the mood.
So, here I am stranded at a library with a bunch of impressively cheerful middle-aged librarians are clucking and cooing over someone I concider to be foe. I'm in for a long day.

THE ßARßARIAN LIßRARIAN
She is a very large, tall, beefy sort of woman. If you read Harry Potter at all than I can describe her as Aunt Marge. Or perhaps my very own veritable Count Olaf, if you will. The very epitome of terrible.
The feeling is more than mutual.
And today of all days...she is retiring. I am happy and anxious but sickly at the same moment.
I want to never have to lay eyes on her again. I never want to hear her high pitched better-then-thou British accent again, I want never to see her bloated red face puff up in anger at the
sight of me. She always reminded me of a used cue-tip or a fat ostrich in those moments.
She has plagued me with nothing but grief and angst since the moment I set foot in this library the first time. She is head librarian. The boss. And for some reason assums there was no library before she came along.
And so now they are having a party ('Come and have some cake!...sign the guestbook!') in her honour.
I think I'm in hell. Honestly. The place is packed with muggles....*clearing throat*....
(I meant packed with librarians) seemingly from all over the lower mainland. *sigh*
The short little pudgy Scottish librarian who merely tolerates me from day to day keeps shouting merrily
at comers and goers she deems worthy of cake and The Barbarian Librarian
"She's holding court in the back!". I wasn't invited. I can hardly imagine why. *snort*
I can only pretend they aren't there and keep quiet. That means more time here for me.

BLOCK
I'm suffering through what I mgiht call my first taste of writers block.
I cannot concentrate! My last few Fete entries have been terrible and I keep forgetting idea's before I
can note them. It's very frusterating and made worse with the unexpected events of today.
A Series of Unfortunate Events...indeed.

GET IT ON.

2003-01-10T14:54:00.000-08:00

2:30PM

Mood: annoyed
Song: Local God - Everclear
Link: Vogue

'One way is Rome and the other way is Mecca.'
~Rufus Wainwright from Greek Song

THE BAGGINS BOY
Alright.
I was watching The Fellowship of the Ring again last night and it occured to me that Frodo reminded me of Jimmy Page. The hair. Its all in the hair. And then I remembered who was playing Frodo. Elijah Wood!
I don't know if many people know or can remember this but...Elijah was teen heart throb.
When I was about twelve I had many posters from Teen Beat magazine and Bop magazine on my walls.
There was the usual Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Devon Sawa posters...but then there was little Elijah.
All messy hair, goofy grin and big huge blue wide eyes. In every single interview Iever read with him in those magazines he was just a pair of eyes to them. *snort* Ahhh. *grin* I'm sure he'd rather forget all about that but I remember. Yes, dude, I saw you in Flipper! And then lets not forget the adorable screaming kid who discovers a frozen Mel Gibson in Forever young.
I can take him seriously now though. I'm just saying...I haven't forgotten. *polite smile*

GETTAWAY
I've really got to go.
I don't have much time left here.
I'de just like to say that Orlando Bloom is sexy because he's a complete brat and that Viggo looks like
my highschool gym teacher Mr Bussey when he's not done up as Aragorn. Very strange.
Oh, yes, and I keep hearing Twentieth Century Boy break out each time I see Aragorn break through the doors in The Two Towers. Done to perfection.

GET IT ON.

2003-01-09T19:26:00.000-08:00

7:21PM

Mood: restless
Song: Talk Show Host - Radiohead
Link: Boom Selection

'Hear the loud alarm bells--brazen bells!
What tale of terror, now, their turbulency tells!
~The Bells

IS THIS DESIRE
I listened to PJ Harvey my first time this morning.
The album was titled Is This Desire and I really liked it.
It felt sad but not cold or damp. I lay back on my bed and started to imagine a scene between Harry and Draco that I could write. They are both alone in a room. It doesn't matter why they're there alone or if they're supposed to be there. It's raining outside the window that Draco stands by. There is tention.
They want to touch each other but the room seperates them. They are still foe. They just watch each other,wanting, but still not touching. I don't know how to explain it other than that the light is blue and they are not cold even though the room is.

ELIZABETH'S MIX LIST: CHAPTER ONE
Side A:
Outtatheway - The Vines
A Little Room - The White Stripes
Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go Go) - Garbage
Wound - The Smashing Pumpkins
Genterator - Elastica
Hate To Say I Told You so - The Hives
Rebel Prince - Rufus Wainwright
Run On - Moby
Last Nite - The Strokes
Helter Skelter - The Beatles
Get Free - The Vines
Fell In Love With A Girl - The White Stripes

Side B:
Twentieth Century Boy - T-Rex
Hey Bulldog - The Beatles
Black Betty - Ram Jam
Playground Love - Air
Gold Dust Woman - Fleetwood Mack
Life In Mono - Mono
The Doves (I do not know the title of the song)
Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon
D'yer Mak'r - Led Zeppelin
Love Will Come Through - Travis

ON THAT NOTE...
Elizabeth has been asking for that track list for months now. I finally found it!
And I fianlly read LEMONY SNICKET: The Unauthorized Autobiography last night. Much fun!

Until I feel like writing again!
GET IT ON.

2003-01-08T14:28:00.000-08:00

2:30PM

Mood: bored
Song: Bandages - Hot Hot Heat
Link: The First Gangs of New York Slash

'There's no such thing as magic!'
~Vernon Dursley to Harry Potter

EARLY RISE
"You shouldn't have come!"
The first words this morning from my mothers mouth as I settled down in the passengers seat at 7:00AM (way too early for me). I went to bed last night at about 3:30AM. If you write, you know that is not so
very late. I had been trying to sleep for an hour already but couldn't get visions of the extended version of
the Lord of the Rings dvd set out of my head. I finally set my new dvd player up last night and couldn't tear myself away from the blasted television. *sigh* When I wake its forty-five minutes too late and mam is already almost out the door. I don't shower, I don't press my clothes. I get myself into the car and I am
greeted with mother dearest. Great.

UNIVERSITY
Then after the damned dentist appointment mam had we went to her damned campus to sit in the library for three hours. *big fake smile* It wasn't so bad. I was surrounded by excellent books. Cannot beat that!
I spent the entire time replying to letters and fooling around with
Fete® and adding links and images to pass the dull time away.

GREAT GRAMMY
And so yesterday the Grammy nominations were announced.
I would just like to take this moment to say GO AVRIL!!!
She stole away with an unexpected five nominations making canucks everywhere beam with pride.

NOMINATIONS:
Song Of The Year - Complicated
Best New Artist
Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
Best Pop Vocal Album - Let Go
Best Female Rock Vocal Performance

GREAT LOTR SITES:
The Land of Shadow
The One Ring
Ring Bearer
Tolkien Trail

GET IN ON.

2003-01-07T16:39:00.000-08:00

4:36PM

Mood: beautiful
Song: Aniron - Enya
Link: Lord of the Rings

'Underneath the grove of sycamore so early walking did I see your son.
Many a morning hath he been seen with tears augmenting the fresh morning dew.'
~Romeo + Juliet

THE REPLY
For many days I have been waiting for one reply in specific.
It came tonight via email. Elizabeth's reply letter.
You see, I sent beloved Elizabeth a very special Christmas gift.
A journal. A chapter of three weeks of my life. In it I let myself become me.
I for once let my vulnerability show and from it came a little twenty page book of letters.
It took over twenty-four hours of my time, a bottle of emerald ink, a new nib and a ringed sketch book.
I took her with me through bad fights, depresssion, obsession and love and in it she found me.
Today I recieved her reply. She loved it. She appreciated it. Words cannot express my joy.

THE LOST WEEKEND
This weekend I had Ashley over for a sleep.
I don't drive so Peter (the boyfriend she keeps breaking up with) gave her a ride to my home two towns over. I was here when she met me and i am here now to give you all of the tedious details. *yawn*
Upon arrival home we set out for a midnight snack at the Tim Hortons a half mile down the road. There we ate too many donuts (boston cream, powdered cherry) and acted like children in public. We ended up playing hang man on a little wrinkled napkin in which she stole her chance to once again call me a "throbbing dork" (a long, boring story and a rather stupid inside penis joke) at my own expense. *sigh* Then it was back home to cozy into our jamers, eat chilled bowls of ice cream (mine tasted like Cool Whip) and watch episode twenty-one and twenty-two of Queer As Folk. She knows nothing of the precious series so I pretty much had to tell her why Brian going to Justin's prom was such a beautiful thing. And then once I stopped her giggling at the sight of two boys dancing she and I both tried not to cry as Justin turned his back for that one fatal moment.
Right then I knew she loved Queer as Folk but I doubt I'd ever get her to admit it. At least not to me.

Morning came and I woke to find mam busy in the kitchen with hot french toast (fresh white bread, vanilla, cinnamon, warm butter syrup, powdered sugar) ready to be devoured and a pitcher of fresh orange juice. I didn't wake her but we did save her some. Ashley is a complete spaz if you wake her from sleep. I ate and quickly went to work on the finishing touched of her gift. I wrapped it and took it to her two hours later. She said she liked it but she didn't react much at all. It was rather unnerving, actually.I didn't bother with the customary mix that I usually go the extra mile with. She doesn't listen to them and I didn't think giving her a copy of Elizabeth's second mix was very tasteful. She gave to me a calendar I really like with twelve months of Weezer to look at. Very cool.

At 3:00PM we were off to the cinema.
I dragged a very reluctant Ashley to see Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers with me.
It was my second screening and her first. She loved the first when we saw it at The Towne Cinema in December 2001 but somehow forgot her enthusiasm over the next thirteen months.
The weekend that I went to see the film with mam, dearest ashes went to see The Hot Chick. *clearing throat* Yeah. Hasn't got much for taste, that one has. Her choice, though.
She sounded very irritated over the tele that night when I spit my apply juice all over the floor at learning her choice of films that weekend. Again, her choice. You cannot please a cinephile.
I loved the film even more this viewing.I even began to understand the whole Orlando Bloom fever spreading around. Really, a very beautiful man. I wasn't much for him until I really watched him. I kept seeing Legolas and a moment later Aragorn would come bounding into the frame. I was thinking "kiss, kiss, kiss dammit!". *sigh* When is Tolkien going to learn that you simply cannot put pretty men together and deprive the world of some action. *clicking tongue* So, now I've got a new crush. Good for me. Ashley was enthrawled and in the end I think we bothed agreed that the film was a wonder to itself.

BLUE MONDAY
Next day I get a call from ashes and Mel (the cool little sister of ex-close friend Alison) asking me to come out with them that night just to hang out. Mel has this adorable little 2000 yellow Beetle that she drives like a mad-woman (fully equiped with "holy shit" handles to hold onto for when she's driving a little too fast). I showered and changed at about 3:00PM, put on my make up, combed my hair and waited. And waited...and waited. Mel was supposed to come by around 4:00PM and we were to pick ashes up around 5:00PM from work. By 4:30PM I knew Mel wasn't comming but I couldn't bring myself to belive nobody was going to say a word. I let myself wilt and worry and then around 6:30PM I got a simpering call from ashley. Did Mel tell me Ashley had to work overtime? No? Ohhhh. Well, she had to work overtime and she told Melanie. But I guess I didn't know that because Mel never bothered to tell me. Oh. And does it matter if Mel doesn't come by tonight anyway because she's still going to see ashley but
she doesn't want to drive over to my place. Yes, Ashley. It did and still does matter.
Thanks for the entirely wasted day you two! *big cheery smile*

GET IT ON.

2003-01-04T16:36:00.000-08:00

4:30PM

Mood: relaxed
Song: Straight to...Number One - Touch & Go
Link: Embracing the Child

'It wasn't a city. More like a furnace.
~Amsterdam Vallon on New York

NO REGRETS
Today is the day Ashes makes her way over to exchange our Christmas gifts.
Mine is particularily special. It is a book of letters to her...only...I was very truthful.
I began it sometime in May of 2002. 75% of the entries are angry or sad or hurt or painful.
It's like we're Romeo & Juliette without actual sex or romance. We get along but in a very peculiar way.
We tolerate each other. We love each other...and that is the only reason we are still friends.
I don't believe in lying so I wrote what I was really thinking. None of it is cruel but a lot of it is unhappy.
I contemplated not giving it to her but I know I must. *deep breath* I am afraid. Should I be?
Will she understand? Will she give up on our friendship like I almost have so many times?
Or will she embrace it and see it for what it is...the only gift I can possibly give her worth anything...
the truth.

ABOUT A BOY
Again today I recieved a letter from Lyle.
He's really just lovely. He's archiving Playing Bastard on HP Recs.
I'm really fucking happy about. Beloved Elizabeth was supposed to be the first to archive her
work on HP Recs but she's being the Forgetful Feiry. *glower* Goodnes, he sent me little summaries
of his other work and I think he's mad...in a good way. A very good way. I cannot wait to get my hands on his Lord of the Rings writing!

SUPRISE!
Ashley's here!
She just snuck up on me and you wouldn't belive how glad I am to see her. *sigh*
I talk to her on the tele almost every night for hours but I haven't seen her face in two months.
I am so happy suddenly. *smile* Is this strange? It's strange for me.

Until Tuesday... GET IT ON.

2003-01-04T16:10:00.000-08:00

2003-01-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

1:27PM

Mood: sly
Song: Silver Screen Shower Scene - Felix Da Housecat
Link: Quizilla

'Don't just walk in when I'm having phone sex with Sheena!'
~Ashley to Marian when on the tele with me

SLASH¡
I'm a major slasher.
I'm mainly a Harry Potter slasher but I also enjoy some good Lord of the Rings slash.
I've got a group on yahoo I call HP Recs®. This is where hip slasher kids try and beat each other to
to recommending a good new fic to 450 other slashers.
To me, slash is a way of life. I am never not thinking about it in some way.
It changes my taste in music, reading and most importantly writing.
I have entire collection of good Harry Potter slash tucked away under the protection of my bed.
My most beloved? My Curse Fiction. As of now untitled. It's a novel about Harry & Draco. (typical, I know)
A very bad curse is put on James head by Lucius Malfoy in their seventh year. James' first born son will
never love. That's all I will say on that. It gets very complicated. It's my secret.
I have it in my mind that to be a true slasher is an attitude. You've gotta say the word fuck like its just another hole in your belt. You've gotta hold your own. The slashers of now will someday be the best writters of tomorrow. I promise. There is no way Elizabeth, Lyle, Rhysenn, Ivy and Cassie are not going to write some monumental treasure. Hopefully it's a little controversial.
One day I'll publish my work in some archive or other and come out of my shell...but for now its only for me. I'm too much of a perfectionist to allow a soul to see it this raw. Not yet.

SLASHER BOY
Lyle, Al, Abaddon.
They wrote the book on style for Harry Potter slash.
They don't even know it. I'm saying it now. They will rule the world.
Lyle wrote to me yesterday after I fangirled him mercilessly in public. I was delighted...but of course I didn't say as much. I'll only say now that if you haven't read his work (some inspired by the Satanic Verses) then you're barking mad and should be shot. Alright. So maybe not shot...but close enough.

GANG BANG

I've started a new slash fandom all on my own. Gangs slash. Gangs of New York Slash®.
I searched and searched for Gangs slash with frusterating results. Nothing.
So I made myself a group I call: Gangs Of New York Slash. I've had to do nothing and subscribers are slowly trickling in. Very good. I'm proud of the little beginning that will.

And so another day has passed, another quiz taken, another hazy morning sex dream is over and I'm still sitting here at my fucking keyboard. Until!

GET IT ON.

2003-01-02T18:50:00.000-08:00

6:43PM

Mood: hurried
Song: Machine - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Link: Emo Game

'I've got to say I can't stand it when a singer dances...except for Kylie.'
~Dave Grohl on Kylie Minogue

A DAY ON THE TOWNE
Mam suprised me this afternoon.
I got out of bed really late and she had just come back from the post box smelling like winter.
She sat down and as I was walking away and mentioned casually that she was going into town and would I like to come, and if I would like to come, then would i please haul ass? *smirk*
Of course I wanted to go so I run around and twenty minutes later I'm showered and changed for a day in the slush (with the one exception of my sneakers). We go down to the main post office and it's too busy and we wait for 15 minutes. When it's all said and done and over with we get back in the car and I
notice we're taking a familiar path. The Towne Cinema (nine screens, plush velvet everywhere, beautiful staff). I pretend I don't notice and keep being way to happy to be watching the pedestrians. I smile big at her when we drive into the lot, she feins indifference and I wiggle in my seat happily.

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN
We saw Catch Me If You Can.
Can I just say that I loved it. Can I? Great cast. Another wonderful John Williams score.
Very entertaining. The story was great, the ending was great and Leo & Tom had great chemistry.
Amazing how Leonardo Dicaprio can look sixteen when he's almost thirty. *grin*
I sat, I laughed, I smiled, I mused over how very much Tom Hanks looked like a Blues Brother
in his bowler and suit. Either that or he was back as the mob boss from Road To Perdition. I'm being a smart ass.

TATTERED LACES
*wink* My shoes.
I'm not a fashionista. I have style...but I pehaps don't care enough what other people think.
For instance; I have these shoes. Converse. Black. Rubber. Canvas. I've had them for a while but I love them and I wear them every single day of my life. I wear my shoes with skirts, I wear my shoes with dresses, I wear my shoes with dress pants, I wear my shoes to run, I wear my shoes to dance. I even
wear my shoes to the loo. It's not so much that they are so special. More that they look good on me. I am transformed from snotty rocker with a pea coat and Jagger-lips to a cool hip kid with a sloppy shirt and a killer pair of shoes. My shoes. They are my security. Forget about hair and make up!
I put my shoes on and I'm fecking Madonna. *sly smile* They are a little too worn, a little too torn and completely worthless in the British Columbian rain but I keep them anyway. The other day I bought a dvd player instead of new shoes. What? I would really just rather watch The Virgin Suicides again than buy the same pair of shoes over again...because that's what I would do.

ASS WATER
Alright. My new years was pleasant. No familia. No going to the mattresses. No big sissy.
Mam and I watched the ball drop in time square in between commercials for Letterman.
Then we watched Robbin Williams take over the show. I think I remember something about ass water and
farting bricks? *snort* Right about now I'm looking Elizabeth's way and she know why. *smile*

Get It On!

2002-12-31T13:55:00.000-08:00

Brian Kinney

Which Queer as Folk character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2002-12-31T12:26:00.000-08:00

12:20PM

Mood: collected
Song: Poses - Rufus Wainwright
Link: The Truth

'You're only queer when you're fucking another guy.
The rest of the time, you're just wearing the clothes.'
~Matt from Metes and Bounds

CRISPY CRUNCH
The air is crisp, cool and bitting. It snowed again last night and then in true north fashion it froze into
ice making the entire city one majestic but dangerous ice sculpture. Pure beauty.
I think I'm happy right now but only because the plans are set for Ashes to make another visit my way.
She hasn't been around much sinse she moved to Surrey with Marian and her mum. I could call her on her cell but I hate talking to her when she's around other people because she forgets I'm there and its
rather insulting so she usually just calls me every night around 11:00PM. She's comming over and we're
exchanging Chritmas gifts this Saturday. She's got two for me and I've got one for her (one of her gifts is a very belated 19th birthday gift). She could possibly read this so I will not say what exactly I got for her. But I think it's cool and that's good enough.

ASHES TO ASHES
Ashley is actually her name.
She's bright and a sweet girl with a curvy smile and blue eyes. She's fond of dying her hair (too much, in my humble opinion), dogs (she just gave hers up to someone who could care more for him), babies (typical nineteen year old girl) and clothes. She is in love with Nelly and black boys in general.
We actually share very little incommon but I guess it doesn't really matter. She likes hip-hop to a disturbing level and I have almost no taste for it. She thinks fake and bake tans are the answer to all of her problems (annoyingly similar to the daddy from My Big Fat Greek Wedding who thinks Windex is the answer to everything) and I am as fair and pink as could be. She likes make up to show...and I like make up to accent. She thinks books are rather tedious work and I read a book a day if I can get my hands on something good. She loves the hot sun and I love the fresh rain. She thinks cinema is just another way to pass a slow Sunday and I am a devoted cinephile. She thinks having a boyfriend gives you a purpose and confidence and I think I get my confidence from myself. She thinks people who are opposed to
gay people are alright and I think they're assholes.
Do you see? I could go on for ages. *tired smile*

NEW YEAR
This year I am doing absolutely nothing to celebrate the new year.
It's not that I'm so antisocial that I scoff at the people in their tinsel and hats...it's more that I scoff at the
idea of celebrating something that has no meaning other than I'll be a little closer to twenty.
I don't think a club would be much fun and the family is out because they think I'm a demon child.
Nah...I'm just more like Amelie. No one got her anyway.

get it on.

2002-12-30T17:14:00.000-08:00

Which Trainspotting Character Are you?

2002-12-30T17:11:00.000-08:00

(sometime this evening)

Mood: sunny
Song: Perfect Day - Lou Reed
Link: Kylie Minogue

'I just saw the face of God.'
~Justin Taylor on Brian Kinney

And so things are looking the hell up for this girl and her pink lips.
Beloved Elizabeth wrote back and made my week. *grin* She's going to watch Queer As Folk with her best soon and I'm jumping I'm so anxious to hear her opinion. *crazy grin*
I get to see the second season in a few weeks when it's out and I'm having a stroke. Life without Showtime is worthless. I'm serious.

CHRISTMAS PAST
I woke up this morning and there was two feet of snow covering everything.
I've been yearning for snow since October! I'm was on air. I sat down on the couch opposite mam in a daze and I look to her feet and there's a green and gold gift bag that looked suspiciously Christmasy. I ignore the obvious package and smile my good morning. She smiles and keeps on watching Debbie Travis paint something yellow and I pretend to be interested as well. She turns to me again as if just noticing I was there, looks down and says oh-so-casually 'Oh. I found this this morning. It's the gift I forgot to give you on Christmas morning.' I stare and she smiles sheepishly, then hands me the bag. It was full of sweets and candles and a lovely journal! I almost cried. But then I thought I'de done enough of that for a while. You just never know with me mam.

QUIZ SHOW
I've also been thinking about online quizes. They can be so fun.
I'm extreamly picky about which I chose to add to Fete®. I made a list of quizzes that should be made.

Which Gay Celebrity Are you?
Which Draco Malfoy Are you?
What Gangs Of New York Character Are You?
Which Kylie Are you?
What Velvet Goldmine Character Are you?
Which Famous Blonde Are you?
What Is your Addiction?
Which It Boy Are You?
Are You A Mod A Punk Or A Rocker?
What Lemony Snicket Character Are you?
What Famous Orphan Are you?
What Musical Icon Are you?
What Musical Are You?

And on a very last note...
I am an unapolagetic Kylie Minogue fan. Just in case you didn't know. *grin*

GET IT ON!

2002-12-28T15:59:00.000-08:00

2002-12-28T15:14:00.000-08:00

2:05PM

Mood: piss and vinegar
Song: Miss You - Etta James
Link: 2010 Vancouver Olympic Bid

'It's a funny thing being took under the wing of a dragon, it's warmer than you think.'
~Amsterdam Vallon on Bill The Butcher from Gangs of New York

THE WORST CHRISTMAS
OK. So in the news there has been news of more terrorism and a woman giving birth to her own clone.
That makes my news of a very, very bad Christmas seem even more worthless. In case you haven't cottoned on so far...I have had a most discomforting Christmas holiday.
On Christmas Eve day I worked from 10:00AM until 5:00PM with my mother and my crazy aunt Wendy
for ten dollars an hour helping unpack a lawyers new home. I shleped boxes of crystal and framed paintings all morning and then I organised suits and leather shoes on my hands and knees for seven hours and only got paid 70$. It wasn't so bad because at least I would get to buy mam a Christmas gift this year. It snows a little, the sky grows dim and still he's showing no signs of letting up. I, in turn, grow more and more discouraged until I'm at the point where I cannot tear my eyes away from the ink black window showing me my own sour expression. He lets us off at 5:00PM and I'm trying to hurry because I have to get to the shops before they close. I had thought they closed at 5:00PM but mother assured me they closed at 6:00PM so I was doing fine. He pays us with a check we cannot cash because the banks are closed and so mam has to give me her only money to run into Sears with. It's black outside, pouring sheets of big slick rain drops on the pavement and there are about 500 cars trying to come and go through one entrance at once. I somehow weave my way through this to reach the huge glass front doors only to be greeted by a woman in her fourties (slightly rumpled, tortoise glasses, red nails, frown lines and black pumps) who opens the door just enough to bark at me that they're closed and then quickly shuts the door and locks it with a neat click. It was bad. There I am standing alone in a sea of people passing me by who pause just a moment to catch the show of the little girl standing in the rain looking like somebody stole her first Christmas. Close enough. I felt really humiliated so I just stood there a moment before turning and walking on down the sidewalk. When I got back to the car I was kind of stunned so I didn't speak.
Mother decided to take this personally so I got fucking shouted at for a good ten minutes before
she took the time to notice I was crying. I couldn't help it. *sigh* I just worked so hard to
get that money so I could buy her a gift and she was shouting at me. Thus the disaster that was my Christmas began. We went home and I got into the house and went directly to the toilet to throw up. Then I showered and tried to wash the bad feelings away and at 8:00PM I went to bed. I kept waking up every couple of hours and crying myself back to sleep. Mam made a turkey dinner but I couldn't eat so she ate alone. I felt bad. When I woke up the next morning my eyes were almost swollen shut. I went to
the living room expecting to feel at least a little better until I remembered that we had no gifts. I wanted to cry again but couldn't so I just stared at the tree for dear life. Then that made it worse when I started to notice that it was dead and there were no decorations on it. Christmas morning and there are pine needles everywhere, no ornaments (with the excpetion of green lights), no pretty tree skirt and not a single stocking, card or package to be seen. I swallowed my disapointment like a good little soldier because when your fucking nineteen your not allowed to be a child and care that you have no gifts
or cards. I turn to mum and she looks away and I go right back to my room and sleep until 10:30AM.
I get up again and nothing is better and I don't want to even think about Christmas so I go to my room and
play the Queer As Folk soundtrack as I write my morning journal entry (canvas, hardcover, cotton paper).
All too soon it was off to the fucking family's to celebrate this joyous holiday. I get there and I don't want to be there and I try to smile and be polite but finally just end up in a corner curled into a plush velvet recliner, wrapped in a wool blanket with a kitten on my lap. I keep getting looks from the others but I pretend I'm asleep when they come near so I don't have to face them. Dinner comes soon enough
and it's nothing I haven't had before. Raspberry wine was good. I'm tired and still trying not to make eye contact and all I want is to go home and try and have at least what's left of Christmas in my own home.
No such luck. I ask mother if it's time (it was 7:30PM) and she humiliates me infront of everybody by saying no as if I was proposing we torch the place or something. *sigh*
I'de had enough but my elder sister decides its her duty to set baby Sheena straight so she bites out at me 'Go and sleep in my room, Sheena!. Now, I never let people talk down to me so we just stared at each other murderously for a moment before I let it go because I didn't want to disrupt anybody's good time. Fakers. I decide I don't want to be near my sister so I put my coat on and go to the car to sleep instead. I had my walkman out there anyway. I'm sitting there pondering why I even bothered to come when my sisters husband taps on my window. I roll the window down a little and he starts in on me emediately. Why am I always trying to take mother from them? Why am I so antisocial and unchristian? Then he starts accusing me of hating my family and not knowing what's good for myself. Obviously big sissy has been having words with him about yours truelly. *spitting* I defend myself and he gets louder and finally I tell him to go back inside and let me alone. He does. I always thought he was a lot better than that. He doesn't even know me and he somehow knows my life story. Fucking inlaws. I don't mean that. I'm just upset.

BOXING DAY
I went to Walmart with the masses and mam at 9:00AM on Boxing Day morning.
I bought the second season Queer As Folk sounstrack which I'm in love with and two Sony slidecase CD-IT blank tapes to make Elizabeth new mixes on. I also bought a new dvd player. That was good.
That was a relatively good day because everybody was just as eager to forget about Christmas as I was myself.

BELOVED VANCOUVER
Yesterday my day more than made up for my bad holiday.
I went home to where I was born in the uber city of Vancouver.
It's a very large city with too many highways, hotels, shops, lawyers and Prada shops.
The city boasts over one million people (many for Canada), lots of excess and glamour, fast cars, sky scrapers, impatient drivers, the theater and Robson Street (a strip of street lined in cosmopolitan shops). I was in absolute heaven. I'm definately a city girl. I felt like I had come home. I shopped a little on both Grandville (a very long a famous street with many attractions) and Robson before mam and I caught the 5:10PM showing of Gangs of New York at the Grandville 7. I haven't seen a film at that theater since my father was alive. I must have been six years old. I think we saw Bambie? It's an old fashioned theater with plush wine seats, big screens and three levels. The crowd was very arthouse and the atmosphere was very relxed but expectant.

GANGS OF NEW YORK
This film was amazing!
It's my favorite film now. I was captivated. The trailers rolled and the first sound you hear is scraping.
Then it's a man's face. He's shaving with a blade. He cuts himself and hands the blade to his small, unkempt son who goes to wipe the blood on the blade on his shorts. His father stops him, telling him never to wipe the blood off a blade. The entire film grips your attention. When you hear Leonardo Dicaprio's voice for the first time you felt the crowd sit straight as a whole. Leo Dicaprio is really something special. You can feel his presence. I can remember the strangest detail and emotion. One of the most quotable films I have ever had the pleasure of watching. The world of
New York in the 1800's is one worth knowing about. I cannot praise this film
enough. I cannot wait to see it again. Now, of course, I'm going to have to go and slash the film up...but that's not exactly a bad thing...now is it? I think Bill The Butcher is the best villan to cross the screen in over a decade. Brilliant. I spent scant moments in the dark of that theater with a pen in my hand, trying to scrawl quotes as they came onto a copy of this weeks Gorgia Straight by the light of the exit sign over my shoulder.
When we finally got out and back onto Grandville street it looked alive. I felt alive.
All of the spindly trees lining the cobble walk were light up with white lights, there were venders selling
roasted chesnuts and hot chocolate, people in their scarves and winter coats bustling up and down against the wind and a man to my left singing an old folk song with his guitar. If you looked up and over the bulidings you could see the grand city of Vancouver lit up as well and the old tower clock glowing
bright over the city. It was such a sight that emidiately I thought I would liked to have taken a photo had I brought along my camera just so that I could send it to Elizabeth (who, by the way, has not yet replied to my letter) and say This is my Vancouver. *smile*

And so, I may have had a bad holiday but I guess none of it really does matter as long as somebody is there to share with. You know? Sap. *wink*

GET IT ON.

2002-12-23T20:10:00.000-08:00

******

2002-12-23T17:39:00.000-08:00

5:30PM

Mood: hyper
Song: Let's Hear It For the Boy - Katty B.
Link: Queer As Folk

'WAR IS OVER! If you want it.'
~John & Yoko

WIDDERSHINS
Well, I've only scant momens for this entry but I'm happy to say I've had a productive weekend.
I spent all fucking night dancing alone in my bedroom with the Queer As Folk soundtrack to the first season blasting me into oblivion. I really am never going to need drugs. I danced with my eyes shut and I spun until I fell. And then I got back up and spun some more. It was the best moment I've had in ages. I'm thinking about it and feeling good all over again. I listened to Let's Hear It For the Boy on repeat for an hour. It reminded me so much of Justin and Brian at Babylon. That first scene where Justin goes out onto the dance floor and wins Brian over. It was amazing and a moment.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS
I finally saw the blasted Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and I loved it.
I don't use the word loosely so trust me when I tell you I am still in awe. I was amazed.
When you see the armies come together the first time the emotion was grand and the Ents were perfect.
My favorite moment was small. There's a flashing second of Legolas in battle. He's infront of his horse and somehow he swoops up and over it from the ground. He looked like he was flying. I was in complete awe.Plus, that last kiss on the riverside between Arwen and Aragorn was beautiful.

Christmas is going to be alright. Even without gifts.
We have no money but we're taken care of in every other way. I'm happy about it.

I got my first black bra today! *bowing* It was a gift from mam. Very cool.
I just wanted to wish all very happy Christmas. Really.

Get it on...or...let is snow

2002-12-21T14:33:00.000-08:00

12.21.2002

Mood: sad
Song: Hard To Explain - The Strokes
Link: Club Moulin Rouge

'Rock and roll is a prostitute, it should be tarted up.'
~Brian Slade

Well, well, well!
When I tell you now that I'm in a mood believe me, please.

SHITE LIFE (to the tune of Parklife)
Today mam woke me up too fucking earlier and made me go into the too fucking bright sun to get into the
too fucking cold car. Why? She was going to church and I was to go do some writing at the library.
I'm sitting there dressed in black, drinking black coffee and thinking black thoughts but still feeling relatively alright. I'm chatting away with Mother Dearest, listening to acidic Christmas carols on the radio when I look around at my surroundings. She was going directly ot the church. Fuck!
I decide not to panick and just casually ask her if you forgot I was going to the library.
She, just as casually answers, 'Nope. I'm late. I have to pray in the service.'
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
So, I have a freak out, shout a lot, try not to cry and then kick the dash.
the entire time I'm thinking 'I am so never going to be as cool as Brian Kinney.' *snort*
Dork. I ended up staying in the car because I refused to go inside the building. What you have to understand is that my family is always trying to "save" me. From what? I'm a virgin who's never been drunk.
Watch out boys! *glare* I ended up going for a long walk while I listened to a copy of Elizabeth's new mix.
By the time I got back church was out and I was still furious. In the haze of it all I recall picking a fluffy dandilion and wishing for love. How tragic. I also just wanted to spread more weeds. *grin*

VELVET GOLDMINE
On the upside...
I watched Velvet Goldmine again and I had much fun.
I played it too loud and mam banged on the wall half the night but I just kept turning it up. *bright smile*
The first time I showed Ashes that film she thought it was boring (*gasp*) except for the scene in which Demon's eating Wild's guitar out. There's a moment where Maxwell Demon crawls backward on his hands while Curt Wild stalks forward.
He has his mouth wide open in an 'O' and she says to herself thoughtfully
'What? Is he going to try and catch it if it falls out?' *snort*

Get it off.

2002-12-20T15:07:00.000-08:00

Which HP Kid Are You?

2002-12-20T14:59:00.000-08:00

12.20.2002 2:41PM

Mood: simple
Song: I'm With You - Avril Lavigne
Link: Tattered Laces®

'Heinous One is a bit cumbersome and Medea was already taken.'
~Igby in Igby Goes Down on why he calls his mother Mimi

I'm flying high. I'm happy. Can you belive it? Me? Optimistic?
Elizabeth wrote back and marmee's finally putting up the Christmas tree (which we bought two weeks ago and left on the front porch) right now. Sure, a little late. But at least its going up at all.
It hasn't felt like Christmas at all for me up until now. It hasn't even snowed yet and this is fucking
Canada! *snigger*

TO THE TOPPERMOST
I have this question about gay men and straight women.
Women look at a man's cock and want to know the size but only because we want to know what it will
feel like. Now, on the other hand, gay men have tops and bottoms (which, bye the by, is not fucking fair).
They can fuck...or be fucked. Either way, right? Well, my question is for the tops in this world.
Why do you care? Tops don't get to feel a big cock unless its in their hand. Men and women must be so
entirely different. What the fuck was He thinking? *polite smile*

POSES AND POSIES
Hey, do you know what I did last night?
Can you guess? Nope, still a virgin. *taking a bow*
I strung cranberries for the tree. It was fun but it was too sticky and it stained my fingertips red.
Whenever living things leak I feel like they're either bleeding or crying and it seems to really get to me.
That particular madness started about two years ago. I picked a posey one breezy spring morning and
when the stem broke it cried all over me. It was thick like blood and clear like tears and at that moment I wanted more than anything to put it back into the earth where it began. It really scared me.

Now I've got to go and reply to beloved Elizabeth's languid letter and take a silly quiz.

Get. It. ON!

2002-12-19T20:45:00.000-08:00

find your queer as folk personality!

2002-12-19T18:19:00.000-08:00

12.20.2002

Mood: irritated
Song: Playground Love - Air
Link: The Potter Slash Archive

'The secret is, she pissed in it.'
~Brian Kinney on Justin Taylor's grandmothers secret hangover remedy

TREE HUG
Happy fucking Christmas! *big fake smile*
I woke up this morning to an empty house so I get up and stumble around and then I look out the window and there's this big fucking
huge truck grumbling on our front lawn and I'm not a morning person so I go back to bed. I get up an hour later and peak through the
blinds only to see half a dozen men in plaid and hardhats scampering around the lawn like garden knombs. Hissing and spitting, I run outside (forgetting, of course, that I'm in a camisol and tap pants) only to be met with drop jaw grins all around. I run back inside grumbling to myself and only then do I see what they'de done. Can you guess? They were cutting down my beloved Birch!
This big thirty year old Birch that stood outside my bedroom window. My tree. Assholes.

But then I got a letter from beloved Elizabeth and I was all 'Tree?...we had a tree?'. She makes me happy.
She saw The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers already and I'm jelous. *spitting*
She loved it so I'm looking forward to that on Sunday.
In other minor Sheena news I got a new black scarf that makes me look very haut noir. *vamp*

I'm watching Velvet Goldmine tonight.
That means silver leather, blue hair and Ewan's cock. *mad grin*
Now I'm off to see a live Nativity scene at a church with marmee.

Get. It. On. Now.

2002-12-18T15:22:00.000-08:00

2:37PM

Mood: weak
Song: Sexy Boy - Kinky Boys
Link: Mugglenet

'Are you coming or going...or coming and then going...or coming and staying?'
~Brian Kinney to Justin Taylor

Elizabeth and I have this thing we sometimes call Shite Life.
Well, because she hasn't written back to me in over a week I can't gripe to her but I can do my
Shite Life rant right here. *slouch*

SHITE LIFE
Today I woke up with my lovely flu in full bloom.
I'm tired and cold and I need to talk to Elizabeth. *grumble*
But on the upside I get to watch episode twenty-one and twenty-two of season one of
Queer As Folk tonight. That's at least something to look forward to!
The first time I saw those last episodes it changed my life.
Justin gets hit with a bat at his prom by fucking Hobbs and when Brian hit Hobbs back I cried.
I don't cry for things like television or cinema. This was different.
It hit a nerve and that's when I realised something about myself.
I've been into gay rights for about two years now but becuse I was raised a Christian I had this frame of
mind that to accept a person for who they are was a terrible sin. I would feel this guilt on my shoulders
eveytime I enjoyed anything having to do with gay life. *sigh* I hid that I supported gay rights from my
entire family (with the exception of marmee). I finally got it when I saw Brian react to Justin being hurt.
I woke up the next day and started sobbing again. Not the best wake to begin a day. *tired smile*
I vowed right then never to be a coward on the subject again. I'll never hide it. *smile*

In lighter news for me...
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers begins today! I'm so fucking excited.
I'm seeing it with mam this Sunday when there'll be the maximum of people there. I like a crowd. It should be fun.

Get it on...if you want...

2002-12-17T16:23:00.000-08:00

12.17.2002 3:58PM

Mood: bold
Song: I'm Afraid Of Americans - David Bowie
Link: Gale Harold Is Delicious

'He's so cute, I'de fuck him!'
~Julian Casablancas on Jack White

I would say my day is turning out fucking roses.
You can't see me but I'm copping a major scowl.
I'm sick with the flu and me mam is treating me like I'm fucking faking it!
My skin burns and my toes ache and I had to walk in the rain without an umbrella to get here just
to write this lousy journal entry. *sigh*

OLD SCHOOL FOOL
But other than that. *sarcastic smile*
I've been thinking about the differences in the lives of rich kids and poor kids.
I feel like a rich kid but live like a poor kid.
I've got this Sony walkman that mam won about a decade ago in school raffle that I still use.
Like for instance; right now I am listening to Bowie sing about red shoes but the fucking machine is so old the front part has come off its hinges and I'm holding it together with two hair elastics, the bass sounds like I'm listening to it in the bath and the silver buttons have chipped away into what looks like grey plastic.The terrible thing is...I don't mind it.
I'm a complete audiofile and as long as it plays loud, clear music I'll keep using it.
It sounds cheap of me not to just spend the fifty bucks on a new one because they're so inexpensive now but I'm happy with this one. I have excellent mixes to listen to and I have the best headphones you can buy. I just don't care. *snort*

"FUCKIN' QUEERS!"
In other news in my world...
I discovered Queer As Folk a couple of weeks ago and I'm addicted.
Fucking Gale Harold is the most beautiful man I have ever seen.
I've only seen the first season because I picked it up on dvd but soon I'll pick up the second season
and I think the third starts on Showtime in April 2003. I think its changed my life.
I like different music and eveything seems to remind me of it. Barking mad, I am. *scoff*

Now I'm writing the outline to a novel that will get me disowned.
How do you like a mad violinist seducing an angel? I do. *sly smile*
Christian families usually don't like books about gay sex with an angel.
All is well. I feel like telling them all I'm a lesbian for the sake of seeing their faces.
I'm not. But it would kill them if I said so. Plus, then I would at least have something worthwhile
to be hated for. Don't you think?

God is an American.
How fucking profound.
I'm serious.
It's possible. *grin*

Umm...get it on.